Series Thread: Rangers/Stros: 4/19-4/21

[Xx srs bsns xX]

Let get this shindig started with this article.

All things considered, Astros superior to Rangers

Nolan Ryan belongs to us.

We have the reigning American League Cy Young winner and Rookie of the Year.

Sports Illustrated already declared us 2016 World Series champions.

We also can afford air conditioning and a retractable roof. Our baseball club bears our city's name, instead of stealing the entire state's. And our beautiful stadium is actually downtown, not 20 suburban miles away and dwarfed by two amusement parks: Jerry World and Six Flags.

Astros versus the Arlington Rangers for the AL West - I'll get to that in a second.

But let's throw this chin-high 98 mph fastball right now: one of the Metroplex's own, summing up a "rivalry" that's really a first-round knockout with the greatest I-45 quote of the decade.

Give 'em hell, Dallas-born Evan Gattis. Speak the hard truth and blast a shot into the Crawford Boxes like only the Astros' designated hitter can.

"I'm like, yeah, you're kind of right: Dallas does kind of suck. I don't want to go back. I love (Houston)."

God bless and amen.

Like any self-respecting human being living on planet Earth, Gattis has seen the light.

When he (tragically) grew up in Dallas, his knowledge of Houston was limited to weekend baseball tournaments and weak outsider stereotypes.

"It was always underrated," Gattis said.

But just 157 games in orange and blue was enough to erase a 29-year-old's fading connection to the most overrated and outdated "big city" in the country.

Goodbye, childhood innocence and Bishop Lynch High School. Hello, adult reality and the gradual understanding that there's just something special about Houston that always leaves Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington/Whatever feeling like Texas' fourth-best city. (I've got your back, Austin and San Antonio).

"I don't know what it is. I just like it here," said Gattis, perfectly capturing the essence of being a heart-on-the-sleeve modern Houstonian.

Let the fun begin

The 31/2-hour drive becomes fun again Tuesday, when the Astros and Rangers resume their annual love affair.

Before my inbox ([email protected]) becomes overloaded with handwritten letters of admiration, let me get a few boring facts out of the way.

Yes, Rangers weirdos, your team's 7-6 and currently leading the AL West again, while the 5-8 Astros are still waiting for opening day to start.

Yeah, you went 13-6 against the Stros last season, captured the Silver Boot, and have pretty much owned the Lone Star Series in the new millennium. Whoop-dee-doo.

And sure, you have big-name stars (Prince Fielder, Adrian Beltre), a confused Cole Hamels chose you over Houston last July, and your ownership group actually allows you to spend money like a major-market organization should.

But then there's all of this. And I honestly need three columns to lay out everything about the Houston Astros that's clearly so superior to the non-Ryan Rangers.

Yu Darvish is the best pitcher on Texas' other baseball team. Darvish last pitched in a big league game Aug. 9, 2014, which has "They can't finish things in Dallas" written all over it.

The Rangers intentionally reacquired Josh "Nine Lives" Hamilton and put him on public display at Globe Life Park after he told the world this: "It's not a true baseball town."

Houston would have Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie waving a "Come and Take It" flag in front of Minute Maid Park if the Astros tried to bring back some lost fool who said something like that about its blessed civic treasure.

The Rangers aren't even from Texas!

They're out-of-state foreigners who were born in the most despicable place in the country (Washington, D.C.), then snuck over the border in 1972 when no one was looking.

The Astros were born in Houston. The Astros have never left and will never leave Houston. The Astros ARE Houston.

So what if they switched leagues? Who cares? Bud Selig made them do it, and we all know he's secretly a Rangers fan.

Also, two of the Rangers' best-ever players are Rafael Palmeiro and Juan Gonzalez, so spare me the "authenticity" speech.

I'm sure someone's going to get all statistical and point out that the tanking Astros - we proudly call it "rebuilding" in Houston - were on the wrong side of 111 games just three years ago and have lost more than they've won all-time (4,015-4,133).

Well, while the biased Rangers nerds were crunching numbers to take advantage of a small sample size, I was uncovering history. And look at the indisputable truth I found.

Thanks to being a carpetbagger from the North with a horse-head human as its mascot - See? The Rangers aren't even real! - a franchise that's never won the World Series is officially 4,189-4,588 since MLB made its greatest error of the 20th century and allowed the Senators to invade Texas.

What's that, jealous haters? Hmm? The Astros also have never won a World Series?

Ahhh. Sorry. Wrong again, people who like losers (Cowboys, Mavericks).

The back-from-the-dead Stros captured the 2005 NL pennant, then went on to play in that year's Series. They didn't "lose" anything.

Bigger is better

You see what happens when you live in the fourth-largest city in the country and biggest in the South?

We're smarter, stronger and better. More confident. And we're obviously always right.

We have Carlos Correa, Dallas Keuchel and Jose Altuve. Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell want to hang out with us. You gave $252 million to Alex Rodriguez and lost the receipt.

Jeff Banister might be able to outpunch A.J. Hinch if the University of Houston product sneaks in a cheap shot. But I'll take Colby Rasmus in a knife fight any day over any of your guys. When it's 110 degrees in Arlington in August, the cold air's blowing under Minute Maid's dreamy roof. Your mascot eats grass; ours has been to outer space. You freak out over a little snow and ice; we swim through floods.

"It's not a true baseball town."

No one would ever say that about Houston.

Hey, Rangers of Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington: Crush City in your face.

Yeah, you'll probably win the West again this year. But really, who's counting?

Nolan says hi, suckers.

 

[WastinSomeTime]

Let get this shindig started with this article.

All things considered, Astros superior to Rangers

That is a death sentence.

 

[romeo212000]

Boy, I guess they didn't learn their lesson from running their mouths past season, did they?

 

[RevSader]

Let get this shindig started with this article.

All things considered, Astros superior to Rangers

Who gives a fuck about Nolan Ryan anymore? You can keep him Houston. He served his purpose by wrangling the team away from Tom Hicks. I would absolutely love Houston if there weren't 2.1 million Houstonians walking around...

 

[RevSader]

This is just weak satire. It's nothing but troll bait to get people pissed and send him emails. I would think a sports writer has more important things to do than to type of that kind of nonsense, but maybe he doesn't take himself that seriously. The only part that had me ready to rage was purposely leaving off Pudge....Fucker was pretty clever with that one...

 

[romeo212000]

This is just weak satire. It's nothing but troll bait to get people pissed and send him emails. I would think a sports writer has more important things to do than to type of that kind of nonsense, but maybe he doesn't take himself that seriously. The only part that had me ready to rage was purposely leaving off Pudge....Fucker was pretty clever with that one...

The media has lost all journalistic integrity at this point. It's all about click bait and dollars.

 

[PDay8810]

"Sports Illustrated already declared us 2016 World Series champions"
Yep...that's the Houston I've known

 

[jta4437]

"Sports Illustrated already declared us 2016 World Series champions"
Yep...that's the Houston I've known

As I always tell my Astros friends when they ask, "What have the Rangers ever won?" I always reply with "World Series games?"

 

[jta4437]

Let get this shindig started with this article.

All things considered, Astros superior to Rangers

That is one of the worst pieces of garbage I've ever read

 

[WastinSomeTime]

My wife who care less about sports was complaining because she has to go with one of the elementary schools today to watch a Roughrider game. HA! I told her pay attention to Lewis Brinson. She said "Who?". Cracks me up. Of course he doubled in the 1st and drove in a run and came around to score on Cordell's double.

 

[DT LUNA]

Who gives a fuck about Nolan Ryan anymore? You can keep him Houston. He served his purpose by wrangling the team away from Tom Hicks. I would absolutely love Houston if there weren't 2.1 million Houstonians walking around...

I do. He may have a foundation problem and cracks in the wall.

 

[ESPN Refugee]

 

[donaldson79]

Hitzges suggested moving DDJ into a super-utility position if Brinson pushes himself into the CF position next year. Not an absurd thought since DDJ was an INF previously.

 

[Bmurph]

My wife who care less about sports was complaining because she has to go with one of the elementary schools today to watch a Roughrider game. HA! I told her pay attention to Lewis Brinson. She said "Who?". Cracks me up. Of course he doubled in the 1st and drove in a run and came around to score on Cordell's double.

Hope she comes away with at least an appreciation of the facility, its a real nice baseball venue

 

[Bmurph]

Hitzges suggested moving DDJ into a super-utility position if Brinson pushes himself into the CF position next year. Not an absurd thought since DDJ was an INF previously.

Unless he could provide us more value by trading him to another team and receiving another player that could be useful in more of an every day role

 

[jta4437]

Adam LaRoche goes deep on his decision to walk

I don't necessarily agree with his stance on bringing his child to the clubhouse, but its hard to argue that LaRoche isn't an excellent human being

"Then there's this: LaRoche, along with Brewers pitcher Blaine Boyer, spent 10 days in November in Southeast Asian brothels, wearing a hidden camera and doing undercover work to help rescue underage sex slaves."

 

[Kelleyman]

The media has lost all journalistic integrity at this point. It's all about click bait and dollars.

I am thinking he replaced writer who went to Boston

 

[saddles]

 

[saddles]

The five greatest moments in Texas Rangers history | SportsDay

 

[donaldson79]

I missed the first of this, but 105.3 was talking about how Ben & Skin were broadcasting from some locale and Banister, unannounced, showed up and spent almost 2 hours chatting it up.

How cool is that?