Horror Movies

[returnofjakedog]

Threads (1984)-

A 2 hour 1980's BBC tv special which realistically and chillingly depicts the effects of world thermonuclear war.

We start out in Sheffield where a "young" couple grapples with an unexpected pregnancy and starts planning their life together. There is a lot of common interaction stuff as everyone lives their lives but the real story is progressing in the background in newspapers, on radio and tv broadcasts, and in goverment offices as tensions escalate between Russia and the western world (mostly the USA). Tensions continue to rise until 3000 megatons of nuclear missles are exchanged and everything goes to shit.
It then progresses in a loose chapter type format, examining what would be happening in specific time periods until coming to a rather sad conclusion 13-14(?) years later (note that the main focus is on the first few months, and take bigger time jumps with slightly less analysis as things progress).

The good:
*A realistic and terrifying look at what the outcome of a nuclear war would be, largely on an average individual level.
*A lot of effort put into the shots of destruction and crumbling society. They reuse a lot of real footage from wars, natural disasters, fires, other bad news stuff to great effect.
-The editing of these shots is pretty cool as they quick flash, superimpose fire in front of pics to emphasize the destruction.
*Everything post-nuke is dirty, nasty, and desolate.
*The performances are mostly solid, but limited and secondary to what is happening around them.
*An overload of soul crushing imagery and events combined with the collapse of everything.

The bad:
*Feels and looks like a mid-70s movie more than a mid-80s feature. The film stock isn't great.
*A bit over the top at times with people going nuts during the collapse.
*The progression can be a bit jumpy, and gets a bit repetitive, and the "story" gets lean towards the end.
*Full of ugly Brits!

Is it horror? Well, not technically. Probably more hard sci-fi but in many ways it one scariest things I have ever seen, particularly with modern Russia's current rhetoric.

Not really well known, but highly rated and I can't disagree.
I'll go about a 7.5 outta 10. This is not escapist fare so don't watch if you don't want to get a bit freaked by the reality of it.

 

[FaCe-LeE-uS]

View attachment 313793
For God's sake just let it go to voicemail for once!

Neve be keeping it real tight though... Aging like a fine wine...

 

[returnofjakedog]

Neve be keeping it real tight though... Aging like a fine wine...

Yes she has!
.........but peaked about riiiiiiigggghhhht here for me:

 

[FaCe-LeE-uS]

Yes she has!
.........but peaked about riiiiiiigggghhhht here for me:
View attachment 314175

LOL... Bro that was peak puberty for me. By GAWD that VHS tape was mutilated after I was done with it. The rewinder just groaned at me anytime I tried to wind back that 5 minutes of pool scene

Side note... Never saw the 2nd Wild Things... Might need to change that... For research purposes en sech

 

[returnofjakedog]

Hellraiser (2022)-

So after years of direct to video sequels that were often rewritten noir detective scripts that just had cenobites tossed in, and a few that were made solely so the studio could retain the rights, we finally get an actual Hellraiser reboot!

A creepy billionaire lures a dude into playing with the Lament Configuration puzzle box. The guy manages to open a hell portal and gets ripped to pieces via hooked chains. We then jump forward some years where a recovering addict chick and her thief boyfriend steal the box where it is heavily secured in an otherwise empty warehouse. She plays with the box and summons the cenobites which unwittingly gets her brother captured and/or killed (getting killed in a Hellraiser movie is often a bit undefined). So they start investigating what the box is and where it comes from. This leads them back to the rich dude's, who has been missing for years now, mansion where the battle between evil (rich guy) and more evil (the hell priests) and just kinda not good (the protagonists) to try to earn a audience with God or Leviathan(?)......and surprise, things do not end well for most everyone involved!

A pretty decent addition to the Hellraiser franchise, particularly considering the low quality of many over the years. Nowhere near the original, but probably somewhere in the part 2 range for me.

The good:
*Quality production. It looks good all around and they largely used practical fxs.
*David Bruckner, who directed the best V/H/S segment, Amateur Night, does a generally solid job. The visuals are cool and the story flows decently.
*The story itself is actually really good. The lore of the box, and the explanation of the different configurations is interesting and works well.
*The cenobites, as always, are some of the highlights. The new hell priest lady is quite good, and the others are "fun" and creepy scary.
*I liked the design of the mansion exterior with the protective "grids", seals, and doors.

The bad:
*While the main chick is pretty good, some of the other actors are a bit weak and/or their characters aren't developed very well. I didn't really care too much if many of them lived or died.
*The entire movie is quite dark, not in tone but in lighting. This is intentional but it could have been lit more in at least some scenes.
*While Bruckner does a decent job of directing overall, the feel isn't dark (in tone) and dirty as parts 1 and 2. It is sleek, but doesn't really have the nasty grime. So it comes off a tiny bit sterile by comparison imo.

All in all, I liked it but it isn't perfect. I can't really disagree with the overall ratings as it falls into the 6.5 outta 10 range for me. More violent screentime by the cenobites, and more focus on grimy tourture and gore would have boosted it for me. I wouldn't mind seeing more in this vein.

 

[returnofjakedog]

LOL... Bro that was peak puberty for me. By GAWD that VHS tape was mutilated after I was done with it. The rewinder just groaned at me anytime I tried to wind back that 5 minutes of pool scene

Side note... Never saw the 2nd Wild Things... Might need to change that... For research purposes en sech

I saw part 2 back in the day and remember being unimpressed. Just kinda "meh" straight to video softcore stuff.

Apparently there were parts 3 and 4 also(!), and all 3 of these sequels get 4.5 outta 10 ratings.

 

[DJ Fieri]

 

[FaCe-LeE-uS]

I saw part 2 back in the day and remember being unimpressed. Just kinda "meh" straight to video softcore stuff.

Apparently there were parts 3 and 4 also(!), and all 3 of these sequels get 4.5 outta 10 ratings.

Softcore? Any sideboob at least?

 

[returnofjakedog]

Softcore? Any sideboob at least?

.....and front as I recall. The actresses weren't anyone I know though.

 

[returnofjakedog]

The Day After (1983)-

The 1983 blockbuster ABC television film about thermonuclear war and it's after effects, mostly in Kansas. It has a huge legacy, being the highest viewed tv movie with an estimated 100 million plus viewers and an unheard of 62 share.

Very similar to the British version, Threads, which I reviewed above (Threads came a year later), this one starts with people just living their lives while news reports, tv broadcasts, etc documenting the heightening tensions. Then the missiles start flying and people's skeletons light up like x-rays and the landscape turns into a nasty wasteland. Some people try to help, while others fight for themselves first. Eventually things degrade to the point where all hope is pretty much lost.

The good:
*An all-star cast! Jason Robards is kinda a lead, and Steve Guttenberg has his own secondary thread. The likes of Jo Beth Williams, John Lithgow, and many other recognizable faces pop up throughout.

*Some cool fxs, with the aforementioned x-ray like explosions, a bunch of desolate nuclear landscapes, and the affects of fallout radiation on the people over time (lots of radiation burns, falling out teeth and hair, etc.)

*A well executed overall message.

The bad:
*Spends way too much time trying to get the viewers to care about the people. The first 48 minutes could have easily been done in 20 minutes. It gets a bit sappy, and more of a focus on the situation instead of the individuals would have helped.

*Some overacting freak outs come off a bit ridiculous, and also some not great child acting.

*The time progression is often unclear, and the story seems to be a bit too compact and focuses essentially on the first several months when maybe a longer term look might be more interesting.

I see the appeal and there is a lot here that is good, but it comes off too Hollywood for my liking with the focus on the actors. I'll go 6 to 6.5 outta 10 range with a slight bump for historical importance.

If I had to choose, I actually prefered Threads despite its lower production values and being filled with a lot of ugly Brits. Threads was just more "complete" (despite it's randomness), dark and desolate (not that this one isn't desolate).

There was a funny mistake where a lady running around freaking out slightly trips into a 1600 lb cow corpse and manages to move it several inchs! Well done! Lol!

 

[Sharkonabicycle]

Really excited to watch Menu.... anyone seen it yet?

 

[returnofjakedog]

Holy crap! James Wan and Jason Blum set to merge their companies!

James Wan and Jason Blum in Talks to Merge Their Companies into One Mega Horror Powerhouse

A mere 24 hours after it was announced that Walter Hamada is in charge of a brand new horror venture over at Paramount, more huge news in the horror world has dropped tonight. Variety reports that James Wan and Jason Blum are in “advanced talks” to merge Wan’s Atomic Monster and Blum’s Blumhouse...

bloody-disgusting.com

 

[Duffman]

Holy crap! James Wan and Jason Blum set to merge their companies!

James Wan and Jason Blum in Talks to Merge Their Companies into One Mega Horror Powerhouse

A mere 24 hours after it was announced that Walter Hamada is in charge of a brand new horror venture over at Paramount, more huge news in the horror world has dropped tonight. Variety reports that James Wan and Jason Blum are in “advanced talks” to merge Wan’s Atomic Monster and Blum’s Blumhouse...

bloody-disgusting.com

To be honest I didn’t even know Wan had a company.

 

[returnofjakedog]

To be honest I didn’t even know Wan had a company.

James Wan's Atomic Monster output. This including a bunch still to be released, and director, writer, and producer credit
*9 Saw movies
*5 Insidious movies
*4 Conjuring movies
*2 The Nun movies
*2 Annabelle movies
*Demonic
*The Curse of La Llorona
*The Last Train to New York ('23, a remake of Train to Busan, which seems wholly unnecessary)
*Lights Out
*There's Someone in Your House
*Malignant
*Salems Lot ('23, remake)
*M3gan
Plus several non-horror such as Death Sentence, the Aquaman movies, Furious 7, Mortal Combat, and a few others

Jason Blum also has a very large list of writing, director, and producer credits, even bigger than Wan's.

This merge is HUGE news to the world of horror. These guys are already unquestionably the most prolific in recent years. It will be interesting to see where this goes.

 

[returnofjakedog]

Triple shot......

Trauma (1993)-
.

More Italian stuff with Dario Argento.

A tv newswriter saves a suicidal and rather unstable teen chick, all while a serial killer is terrorizing the city via decapitation with a garrote machine.

This one falls firmly into the old school Italian giallo murder-mystery formula, and the story is actually pretty cool, but the execution is spotty at best. The story flow is all over the place, and trying to make sense of the character actions is rather futile. While this is often the case with Italian schlock, this one falls short of being interesting enough to make it forgivable. But, as mentioned, the story itself is pretty cool, and the garrote machine is kinda awesome. Also Piper Laurie (the mom from Carrie) is awesome a rathet small supporting role. Lastly, it was actually filmed in the USA, using english speaking actors so the typical dubbing issues are not an issue.

Watch if you are a giallo/Argento completionist, or enjoy a fun mystery surrounded by a lot of nonsense.

5.5 outta 10 range. Not nearly as goid as Argento's Susperia, Inferno, Opera, etc.

Curse of the Black Widow (1977)-

A made for tv movie that is seemingly an attempt to make another Night Stalker.

A private eye investigates a series of murders where men have big puncture wounds in their chests and are drained of all bodily fluids. There are reports of the men being seen in the company of a mysterious dark haired woman with a heavy germanic accent. As he investigates, he gets tied into a bit of a love triangle with 2 very different twins played by Donna Mills and Patty Duke.

Lots of discussion regarding different cultures having "werespider" type mythos, which is interesting. Some solid acting. The spiders can be creepy, and the giant "werespider" is kinda fun and interesting in limited screen time. Lots of webs sticking things up. Plus an interesting mental illness twist that plays into the plot. But it does look and feel like cheap 70s tv fare, and some of the characterization can get ridiculous.

A 5 to 5.5 outta 10 range. Suffers from time period, budget and medium (a bit tv sanitized).

Dead Silence (2007)-

The guy that played Jason Stackhouse in True Blood gets a creepy ventriloquist doll in the mail. Soon after his wife is found dead with her tongue ripped out, and detective Donnie Wahlberg is convinced he is guilty. He heads back to his creepy and dying little hometown to arrange his wife's funeral, and try to unravel the mystery of a curse that has been ripping out resident's tongues and off their faces.

The story is very disjointed early on, but comes together as things escalate. There are some decent fxs, but too much cgi. The old theatre setting is awesome and probably the best part of the movie (it is based on the Grand Guignol, which has a large influence kick starting modern horror. Look it up!), and the story has an awesome turn or two towards the end. But the acting is hit and miss as main protagonist Jason Stackhouse guy isn't strong enough to carry the large roll, but a few of the supporting cast are good, particularly Donnie Wahlberg who chews up scenery and spouts a bit of ridiculous (persumably improved) dialogue now and again.

Starts low, but moves up and has some high points. 6 to maybe 6.5 outta 10 range. Not Wan's best, but ok.

 

[returnofjakedog]

Yoga Hosers (2016)-

Let's start with the fact that I am a big fan of Kevin Smith. Clerks, Dogma, even Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Mall Rats, etc range from excellent to enjoyable for me. But his forays into horror have been less successful with Red State being decent but I found Tusk, about a man who is captured and turned into a walrus, to be absolute shit.
Well, sadly, Tusk is nearly The Godfather compared to fucking Yoga Hosers as this is a movie I walked away hating generally everything about it.

So two best friend 15 year old girls both named Colleen who, labor laws aside, work night shifts at one of their fathers' 7-11 style shop (named Eh 2 Zed in one of many, many very stupid Canadian jokes). While there, shenanigans ensue including satan worshipping seniors who try to sacrifice them, a resurrected Nazi scientist who does celebrity impersonations, many tiny fat Nazi creatures made from bratwurst (no joke, also they have sauerkraut blood), and a disappointing giant creature called rhe Goalie Golem. The 2 girls use their yoga training to fight off all of these threats in poorly done action scenes.

Basically everything sucks badly, with shitty, annoying acting from the leads who are Kevin Smith's and Johnny Depp's daughters, a crappily written story, zero flow or any sense of interesting narrative. The bad guys are stupid and their stories go nowhere. There is no sense of threat. Nothing happens and it seems no one cares or cared.
Is there anything redeeming? Well, the intro where the girls sing a clever tune was a fun start but that was it. I hated, hated, HATED everything else about this. It insults the viewers and everyone involved just by existing.

I've watched (and often reviewed here) some horrible shit, such as Uli Lommel's Zombie Nation, Street Trash, Jim Wynorski's Evil Toons, etc. but this one might be the most insulting considering it has "higher level" filmmakers, professional actors, a bigger budget, etc. It reeks of stupidity and laziness. Also the constant Canadian jokes kinda sucked (how many times can you say "aboot" and think it is funny).

3 outta 10 range. Looks professional but that is about it. Might have worked as a crazy 10 minute short, but in no way should have been a anywhere near full length. It made just over $38,000 on a $5 million budget.

Thankfully, Smith's Clerks 3 has gotten good reviews, and he has recently announced a sequel to Red State, which could be interesting.

 

[FaCe-LeE-uS]

 

[returnofjakedog]

A cannibal road trip love story?

 

[DJ Fieri]

 

[Nasty_Magician]

Incantation

Taiwanese movie on Netflix. I watched it dubbed in English, which is not ideal but I feel like reading subtitles makes me miss too much. Movie was very good, a bit slow but I really like watching paranormal / religious themes from different cultures. Really worth watching.

Just got around to this one and I did like it. Some nitpicking, I don't know that taking everything out of chronological order worked as well as they were hoping. Felt choppy and killed some of the flow. Probably 20 mins longer than it needed to be. I also dubbed it, really worth a watch.