Some Jokes Thread

[beantownmaniac]

Hope some of these crack you up like they did me.


A married Man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'


The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

[beantownmaniac]

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

[beantownmaniac]

Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

 

[beantownmaniac]

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

[beantownmaniac]

Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

 

[beantownmaniac]

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

 

[beantownmaniac]

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

 

[beantownmaniac]

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

 

[beantownmaniac]

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

 

[beantownmaniac]

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

 

[buffhockey]

Funny Headlines
============================================
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..



They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

 

[buffhockey]

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

 

[buffhockey]

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows
with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

 

[buffhockey]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.

 

[buffhockey]

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor
balcony shaking a carpet.



I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"

 

[KillerVee]

What do vegan zombies eat?

Graaaaaaaains.

 

[KennyBanyeah]

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

HAHAHAHA.

People who are not white suck.

 

[Winged_Wheel88]

LOL this thread is awesome. Needed some laughs, too.

 

[Winged_Wheel88]

Did you hear about the terrorist who tried to blow up a car?

Burned his lips on the tail pipe.

 

[Winged_Wheel88]

HAHAHAHA.

People who are not white suck.

Kenny, do you also run to the defense of blondes when someone dares utter a dumb blonde joke? Just wonderin'.