Some Jokes Thread

[KennyBanyeah]

Kenny, do you also run to the defense of blondes when someone dares utter a dumb blonde joke? Just wonderin'.

Ummm.... jokes about mistaking microwaves from TVs is just SLIGHTLY different from jokes about blowing up mosques, dead African families and the like.


Anyway, I have blond hair and I make blond jokes, so I'm allowed.

 

[Winged_Wheel88]

Three guys are walking along when they spot a gigantic pile of what suspiciously looks like poo in the road. The first guy picks up some in his hand, eyes it over and says, "Looks like rhinoceros shit." The second guy bends down, picks up a bigger amount of the substance, lifts it to his nose and says, "Smells like rhinoceros shit." The third guy picks up an even larger amount than the second guy, eyes it over a good long while...takes a big bite out of it and considers it thoughtfully before saying, "Tastes like rhinoceros shit. Sure is a good thing we didn't step in it."

 

[Winged_Wheel88]

This one's for the chief:

Thor, the Norse God, wakes up the morning after the orgy.
As he sits up, stretches and looks around, he sees a beautiful, shapely, young blonde standing in the doorway.
He walks over and says - "Good morning, I'm THOR"!
She looks back at him with blue eyes and a comely smiles and says -
"YOU'RE Thor...I'M so thor I can't pith!"

 

[Winged_Wheel88]

Ummm.... jokes about mistaking microwaves from TVs is just SLIGHTLY different from jokes about blowing up mosques, dead African families and the like.


Anyway, I have blond hair and I make blond jokes, so I'm allowed.

Like I said, just wonderin'.

 

[Erdber]

Did you hear about the terrorist who tried to blow up a car?

Burned his lips on the tail pipe.

then there was the guy who tried to gas out the occupants of the car. Imagine what his ass looks like...

 

[beantownmaniac]

Three guys are walking along when they spot a gigantic pile of what suspiciously looks like poo in the road. The first guy picks up some in his hand, eyes it over and says, "Looks like rhinoceros shit." The second guy bends down, picks up a bigger amount of the substance, lifts it to his nose and says, "Smells like rhinoceros shit." The third guy picks up an even larger amount than the second guy, eyes it over a good long while...takes a big bite out of it and considers it thoughtfully before saying, "Tastes like rhinoceros shit. Sure is a good thing we didn't step in it."

Cheech and Chong say hello

 

[Winged_Wheel88]

Cheech and Chong say hello

Haha, I didn't know about Cheech and Chong. I just heard the joke repeated ad nauseum by my dad.

 

[Eddie_Shack]

Bob, Joe, and Joe's wife are out boating on a hot summer day. Joe jumps into the lake for a quick swim to cool off, begins to struggle, and suddenly sinks to the bottom.

Joe's wife dives in to the rescue, swimming to the bottom, grabbing Joe, and pulling him up to the surface where Bob helps her drag her husband into the boat. Joe is not breathing, so she begins performing mouth to mouth resuscitation.

After a few minutes, she says to Bob, "Holy shit, I don't think Joe's breath EVER stunk this bad!"

Bob says "Yeah, and I don't remember him wearing that snowmobile suit when he jumped in, either.."

 

[puckhead]

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

 

[beantownmaniac]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a big smile and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

 

[Slimpikins]

Here's a subtle one that you can share with the kids:

What's the difference between jam and jelly?




















You can't 'jelly' your dick down a hookers throat.

 

[beantownmaniac]

Southerner's Medical Dictionary

Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria.......................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign............................ What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................... Made eye contact with her
Colic...............................A sheep dog
Coma............................ A punctuation mark
Dilate............................. To live long
Enema............................Not a friend
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain................. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............... A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates.......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node................................ I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis................. .......... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................... ****** near killed him
Secretion....................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness.......... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out