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forty_three
It’s Raining Falafel
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Edmonton
The world is shocked when Edmonton, ONCE AGAIN wins the draft lottery. We watch, riveted, as the drama unfolds when a clearly intoxicated Kevin Lowe stumbles up to the podium, holds up six fingers and screams “RINGS, BITCHES!”. He is subdued by MacTavish leaving Scott Howson alone at the mic. He wanders up and announces, voice crackling, “With the first pick, we select Shinamarinkindink and Barkov”. Bettman steps in and says “You can’t do that” when Lowe barges in from offstage, clutching a handful of MacT’s hair in his hand. He pulls a photo out of his jacket pocket and thrusts it in Bettman’s face. The Draft is delayed for 26 minutes while Bettman figures out a way to grant Lowe both picks.
Calgary
Once the draft resumes, Jay Feaster walks up on stage and proudly announces that the Flames select Sidney Crosby. A red faced Gary Bettman walks up and explains that the draft is for players who aren’t in the NHL yet. So Feaster then tries to select, in order; Barkov (EDM), Ben Hanowski, and Ulf Samuelsson. Bettman tries to explain, but Feaster, clearly agitated, screams “THEY ARE NOT IN THE NHL”.
Finally, Bettman hands Feaster the CSB list and Feaster says “I don’t know who any of the people are”. He points at the page and says “That guy I guess”.
Bettman leans forward and announces that the Flames have selected Nate MacKinnon. By the end of the day, Feaster has signed him to a five year one way deal and when he is assigned to Abbotsford and the Columbus Blue Jackets claim him off waivers.
Philadelphia
Heading into the offseason having missed the playoffs and minus four million in cap space, it is a troubling time for Philly sports fans. Ah, who am I kidding? It’s ALWAYS a troubling time for Philly Sports fans. It doesn’t fucking matter the circumstances, it’s always “woe is me” from this group of crybabies. If it isn’t the goalie’s fault, it’s some sort of conspiracy (As if someone MADE them sign Michael Vick). If it’s not a conspiracy, it’s a curse. Or maybe it’s santa’s fault, that battery catching asshole. All we know is it’s NEVER because they tied up 12.5 million in Timonen and Briere. NO. It’s… It’s Eric Lindros’ mom! Yeah, that’s it. SHE’S THE CONSPIRACY! I MEAN CURSE!
The only significant things they do is get Lindy Ruff to coach (Because if anyone knows how to whine about conspiracies) and land UFA Derek Roy. The Philly media is stoked about the Roy signing because his wife is kinda hot and they only have to find and replace “Scott Hartnell” with ”Derek Roy” and they can get two more years out of the same articles they’d been using since Eric Lindros allegedly slept with Rod Brind’amour’s wife.
The brightest spot in the offseason is when Paul Holmgren wins surprise induction into the HHoF in the builders category after strong lobbying by the Columbus Blue Jackets.
Columbus
After falling one illegal spinorama short of the second playoff berth in team history, and capped by a stellar 19-5-5 run in the second half of half a season, the Blue Jackets go into the offseason on a high note. And with competent management for once, the draft is a source of excitement and not clouded by a sense of impending failure. Everyone believes in Jarmo, but no one quite expects the Jedi Master to be as successful as he is. After walking around the tables just prior to the draft, Jarmo returns to the Jackets table with all three first round picks intact, four additional picks and a slightly confused Steve Yzerman who the team announces as “Captain coach”.
The excitement builds as the Jackets get ready to move east. A lot of players inquire about coming to Columbus for many reasons. Jarome Iginla is the first to sign because he “Wants to be around a GM who knows what he’s doing”.
Ryan Kesler and Dave Steckel just want to “go back to college”.
Jaromir Jagr because he “Understands a new Casino just went in”
Ryan Callahan “To see what Nasher is always raving about”
Matt Cooke “Because of the civil war penis mascot”
But the big shock is when Sidney Crosby demands a trade to Columbus. “Look, Jack Johnson is one of my best friends. I like Pittsburgh, and I appreciate everything the city has done for me. But the team just doesn’t need me. It’s time for me to move out on my own, and play somewhere I can make a difference. What better place to do it than a team where my best friend from High School is already playing? There was some talk about it this year, and it got me thinking… I really miss playing with Jack. ’ He accepts his role as second line center behind Ryan Johansen.
Rossi commits suicide.
The world is shocked when Edmonton, ONCE AGAIN wins the draft lottery. We watch, riveted, as the drama unfolds when a clearly intoxicated Kevin Lowe stumbles up to the podium, holds up six fingers and screams “RINGS, BITCHES!”. He is subdued by MacTavish leaving Scott Howson alone at the mic. He wanders up and announces, voice crackling, “With the first pick, we select Shinamarinkindink and Barkov”. Bettman steps in and says “You can’t do that” when Lowe barges in from offstage, clutching a handful of MacT’s hair in his hand. He pulls a photo out of his jacket pocket and thrusts it in Bettman’s face. The Draft is delayed for 26 minutes while Bettman figures out a way to grant Lowe both picks.
Calgary
Once the draft resumes, Jay Feaster walks up on stage and proudly announces that the Flames select Sidney Crosby. A red faced Gary Bettman walks up and explains that the draft is for players who aren’t in the NHL yet. So Feaster then tries to select, in order; Barkov (EDM), Ben Hanowski, and Ulf Samuelsson. Bettman tries to explain, but Feaster, clearly agitated, screams “THEY ARE NOT IN THE NHL”.
Finally, Bettman hands Feaster the CSB list and Feaster says “I don’t know who any of the people are”. He points at the page and says “That guy I guess”.
Bettman leans forward and announces that the Flames have selected Nate MacKinnon. By the end of the day, Feaster has signed him to a five year one way deal and when he is assigned to Abbotsford and the Columbus Blue Jackets claim him off waivers.
Philadelphia
Heading into the offseason having missed the playoffs and minus four million in cap space, it is a troubling time for Philly sports fans. Ah, who am I kidding? It’s ALWAYS a troubling time for Philly Sports fans. It doesn’t fucking matter the circumstances, it’s always “woe is me” from this group of crybabies. If it isn’t the goalie’s fault, it’s some sort of conspiracy (As if someone MADE them sign Michael Vick). If it’s not a conspiracy, it’s a curse. Or maybe it’s santa’s fault, that battery catching asshole. All we know is it’s NEVER because they tied up 12.5 million in Timonen and Briere. NO. It’s… It’s Eric Lindros’ mom! Yeah, that’s it. SHE’S THE CONSPIRACY! I MEAN CURSE!
The only significant things they do is get Lindy Ruff to coach (Because if anyone knows how to whine about conspiracies) and land UFA Derek Roy. The Philly media is stoked about the Roy signing because his wife is kinda hot and they only have to find and replace “Scott Hartnell” with ”Derek Roy” and they can get two more years out of the same articles they’d been using since Eric Lindros allegedly slept with Rod Brind’amour’s wife.
The brightest spot in the offseason is when Paul Holmgren wins surprise induction into the HHoF in the builders category after strong lobbying by the Columbus Blue Jackets.
Columbus
After falling one illegal spinorama short of the second playoff berth in team history, and capped by a stellar 19-5-5 run in the second half of half a season, the Blue Jackets go into the offseason on a high note. And with competent management for once, the draft is a source of excitement and not clouded by a sense of impending failure. Everyone believes in Jarmo, but no one quite expects the Jedi Master to be as successful as he is. After walking around the tables just prior to the draft, Jarmo returns to the Jackets table with all three first round picks intact, four additional picks and a slightly confused Steve Yzerman who the team announces as “Captain coach”.
The excitement builds as the Jackets get ready to move east. A lot of players inquire about coming to Columbus for many reasons. Jarome Iginla is the first to sign because he “Wants to be around a GM who knows what he’s doing”.
Ryan Kesler and Dave Steckel just want to “go back to college”.
Jaromir Jagr because he “Understands a new Casino just went in”
Ryan Callahan “To see what Nasher is always raving about”
Matt Cooke “Because of the civil war penis mascot”
But the big shock is when Sidney Crosby demands a trade to Columbus. “Look, Jack Johnson is one of my best friends. I like Pittsburgh, and I appreciate everything the city has done for me. But the team just doesn’t need me. It’s time for me to move out on my own, and play somewhere I can make a difference. What better place to do it than a team where my best friend from High School is already playing? There was some talk about it this year, and it got me thinking… I really miss playing with Jack. ’ He accepts his role as second line center behind Ryan Johansen.
Rossi commits suicide.
