OT - Roommate Advice, please?

[loki604]

I don't know why I'm posting this here except I actually know you people, so it feels better than asking some other random Internet people.

Currently, I am living in a house with my sister and a friend (let's call her Kaylee).

Kaylee is someone I went to college with and now currently work with. She has a boyfriend named Chuck who also works with us (They have been going out for six months; before this Kayless was in a five year relationship). Kaylee and Chuck are the type of couple who spend every waking moment together.

When we first moved in in May, Chuck asked me and my sister if we wanted him to contribute to the water bill because he would take occasional showers there. We said no, it really wasn't a problem.

Well, now he practically lives with us. He has his own place with his own roommate, but he stays over our house 4-6 nights a week. I don't have a problem with him personally, but it's just annoying to me that he is there all the time. We have a nicer bathroom upstairs and a smaller bathroom downstairs, and for the past three days in the mornings, he has been in the nicer one with all my stuff in it and I had to wait 30 minutes/not brush my teeth. I shower at night, but I like to freshen up somewhat in the morning. I could move all my stuff to the other bathroom, but why should I be making sacrifices? I pay rent.

About six or so weeks ago, my sister and I realized he had a key when he came in randomly at seven in the morning (one of the few nights he hadn't stayed over). The roommate did not ask or even bother telling us that she was giving him a key or the permission to come in whenever the fuck he wanted.

And then there's just the issue of his presence. I don't know why it bothers me (he's a nice guy), but I'll come home and see him there and just roll my eyes. Like Christ, can't they stay at his place for once.

I sent her an e-mail today (yes, it was slightly bitchy) saying that he should have to pitch in for utilities. She of course took it to the extreme and tried to make it out like I was the asshole. I think it's a jerky thing to do for two adults to take advantage of two other people's kindness (my sister and I were very accomodating in the beginning).

What do you all think of the situation and what I should do further? I'm generally one of those people who says the more, the merrier, but he is basically mooching off of us, in my opinion.

 

[elocomotive]

What do you all think of the situation and what I should do further? I'm generally one of those people who says the more, the merrier, but he is basically mooching off of us, in my opinion.

I think the best thing to do is have a house meeting on the various issues in play - the bathrooms, the key, how many nights a week is too many for guests, etc. Discuss what the problems are and why they concern you. Figure out what is most important to you and where you can make concessions. E-mail for these kinds of things make people feel attacked, and that doesn't lead to solutions.

At the meeting, establish some rules that, while obviously related to the particular situation, all housemates will have to abide by. For example - Keys are only given to those on the lease.

You need to establish those rules before the situation gets worse and also be ready to make some concessions to make it happen.

That's my two cents.

 

[Comeds]

Its perfectly reasonable for you to be upset with the situation. I'm sure careful consideration was made when you chose your roommates in the first place so all of the sudden another person thrown in the mix will mix things up a bit.

There is no way you should move your things to work around his schedule when you are the one who lives there, at least officially. And really beyond that you shouldn't have to have him there all the time. If they want to live together they should probably get their own place.

Sadly I have no real idea how you can solve this problem without possibly ruining your friendship with Kaylee. BTW in the third paragraph you called her Kayless, is that your inner anger finding a way out?

Oh yeah, there is no way he should have a key and that was very wrong of her to give him.

 

[loki604]

I think the best thing to do is have a house meeting on the various issues in play - the bathrooms, the key, how many nights a week is too many for guests, etc. Discuss what the problems are and why they concern you. Figure out what is most important to you and where you can make concessions. E-mail for these kinds of things make people feel attacked, and that doesn't lead to solutions.

At the meeting, establish some rules that, while obviously related to the particular situation, all housemates will have to abide by. For example - Keys are only given to those on the lease.

You need to establish those rules before the situation gets worse and also be ready to make some concessions to make it happen.

That's my two cents.

That's a good idea. I sent the e-mail because I was honestly so pissed off this morning and I like that in e-mails I could say my piece without being interrupted.

I asked her how she would feel if I had someone over five nights a week (using all our utilities and taking up our common space), but she didn't respond to that.

 

[Forty_Sixand2]

You are in the right. Get with your sister and stick to your guns. You are in the right no matter what kind of spin this other roomate and her boyfriends try to put on it. Stay consistent. Stay solid and stic to your guns, basically.

 

[loki604]

Its perfectly reasonable for you to be upset with the situation. I'm sure careful consideration was made when you chose your roommates in the first place so all of the sudden another person thrown in the mix will mix things up a bit.

There is no way you should move your things to work around his schedule when you are the one who lives there, at least officially. And really beyond that you shouldn't have to have him there all the time. If they want to live together they should probably get their own place.

Sadly I have no real idea how you can solve this problem without possibly ruining your friendship with Kaylee. BTW in the third paragraph you called her Kayless, is that your inner anger finding a way out?

Oh yeah, there is no way he should have a key and that was very wrong of her to give him.

Thanks for the response. Regarding the key, I don't think it bothers me so much that he has it, but more how he uses it. He should be knocking and then if she is the only one home and upstairs or something, use it. We spoke with Kaylee when we moved in and asked if we could give our mom a key (my mom isn't like Everybody Loves Raymond...this was more like if I was a moron and locked myself out or we were all at work and she wanted to drop off delicious food...which was shared with everyone, btw). My mom calls before she comes over, knocks on the door, and like I said, the only time she uses it is when we're all at work and she's dropping something off. If he just had it for emergencies or something, that wouldn't bother me. But when you are scared shitless because someone walks in at seven in the morning and you are aware your other two roommates are upstairs, it bothers you. I brought it up to Kaylee and she kind of treated it as a joke - "What do you want him to do, knock?"

I think I've let a lot of little things go, but now the whole picture is getting on my fucking nerves.

As for Kayless thing...subconcious anger for the win.

 

[Comeds]

If talking doesn't work, I have a few days off soon and I will come up there as your Cousin Joe (Joe is negotiable, the Cousin preface is not) to stay with you for a few days.
Give me a few days notice to grow a half-assed beard and to gain a few pounds (I wont ignore dental hygiene that's very important) and I will sleep on your couch and when insomnia hits I'll 'quietly' strum my guitar (not a euphemism) which I cannot really play at all. You give me 20 minutes in the kitchen you will be amazed at the mess I can make.

After a very short time your roommate will be complaining and you can turn the tables on her teaching her a valuable lesson on infringing upon the kindness of others.

 

[elocomotive]

That's a good idea. I sent the e-mail because I was honestly so pissed off this morning and I like that in e-mails I could say my piece without being interrupted.

Totally understand that feeling. I like that about e-mail as well. But it doesn't have body language and a whole slew of other things that facilitate compromise. And if the situation is broken, maybe the best thing is to try and find a new roommate. But if you want to solve it and keep everyone happy, generally some communication and some concessions are necessary on both sides. Otherwise, it's just a list of demands and the other side is going to retreat away or fight back in some way, making the situation even worse.

I asked her how she would feel if I had someone over five nights a week (using all our utilities and taking up our common space), but she didn't respond to that.

Yeah, that sucks. And couples often gravitate to one place or another. He does have his own place/utilities, so I'd try to keep the issues focused on respect, boundaries, and rules that apply to everyone. You might even want to open it up to stuff outside this conflict so she has an opportunity to voice an opinion as well.

It depends what you are looking for as an end result.

 

[SLY]

lol

 

[SLY]

Face to face is the only way to solve conflicts. If she doesn't let you finish what you are saying, kick her out.

 

[elocomotive]

You give me 20 minutes in the kitchen you will be amazed at the mess I can make.

Sounds like you need some fiber in that diet.

 

[sabresfaninthesouth]

If all those other suggestions fail, I'd suggest releasing a hoard of large angry bees into Kaylee's room while they're sleeping.

Or better yet, into the bathroom while he's showering.

Imagine a bee sting...down there.

 

[loki604]

If talking doesn't work, I have a few days off soon and I will come up there as your Cousin Joe (Joe is negotiable, the Cousin preface is not) to stay with you for a few days.
Give me a few days notice to grow a half-assed beard and to gain a few pounds (I wont ignore dental hygiene that's very important) and I will sleep on your couch and when insomnia hits I'll 'quietly' strum my guitar (not a euphemism) which I cannot really play at all. You give me 20 minutes in the kitchen you will be amazed at the mess I can make.

After a very short time your roommate will be complaining and you can turn the tables on her teaching her a valuable lesson on infringing upon the kindness of others.

I'm not even kidding. This was totally my plan. I had no idea who I was going to get to do it, but I was going to have someone stay over five days a week for a month. And tell him/her to wake up five minutes before Kaylee usually does and take showers.

Here is my favorite story about Chuck:

Yesterday, my sister and I went to dinner and the movies after our respective jobs. We came home and Kaylee said there is a "mess" in the bathroom upstairs, and she's not touching it or whatever. I never saw the "mess", but from what I gathered a bunch of toilet paper clogging up the toilet or something. (no ejaculation jokes please).

So I said..."Well, when I left at 7:30, one of you was in the shower. And I haven't been home since. Neither has [sister]".

She's like "That's weird. I told Chuck about it and he didn't say anything."

Well guess what, Sweetie, it was Chuck. Chuck happened to be there (shocking), so ten minutes later I hear Chuck go up to the bathroom.

Nice try, Chuck.

 

[elocomotive]

My above answers are my diplomatic, lawerly, problem-solving responses. My insta-non-PC/classhole response is...

Why is everyone with the name Kaylee always a huge whore?

 

[jstewismybastardson]

I'm not even kidding. This was totally my plan. I had no idea who I was going to get to do it, but I was going to have someone stay over five days a week for a month. And tell him/her to wake up five minutes before Kaylee usually does and take showers.

Here is my favorite story about Chuck:

Yesterday, my sister and I went to dinner and the movies after our respective jobs. We came home and Kaylee said there is a "mess" in the bathroom upstairs, and she's not touching it or whatever. I never saw the "mess", but from what I gathered a bunch of toilet paper clogging up the toilet or something. (no ejaculation jokes please).

So I said..."Well, when I left at 7:30, one of you was in the shower. And I haven't been home since. Neither has [sister]".

She's like "That's weird. I told Chuck about it and he didn't say anything."

Well guess what, Sweetie, it was Chuck. Chuck happened to be there (shocking), so ten minutes later I hear Chuck go up to the bathroom.

Nice try, Chuck.

sounds like chuck is the one who needs more fibre in his diet

 

[loki604]

Totally understand that feeling. I like that about e-mail as well. But it doesn't have body language and a whole slew of other things that facilitate compromise. And if the situation is broken, maybe the best thing is to try and find a new roommate. But if you want to solve it and keep everyone happy, generally some communication and some concessions are necessary on both sides. Otherwise, it's just a list of demands and the other side is going to retreat away or fight back in some way, making the situation even worse.



Yeah, that sucks. And couples often gravitate to one place or another. He does have his own place/utilities, so I'd try to keep the issues focused on respect, boundaries, and rules that apply to everyone. You might even want to open it up to stuff outside this conflict so she has an opportunity to voice an opinion as well.

It depends what you are looking for as an end result.

The only option here is resolving the situation (no one is allowed to break the lease and the place is expensive so I couldn't afford if she just left). I will definitely let her say her piece. We don't really have any other issues than this - we're all pretty respectful, do our chores, clean up after ourselves, let the other person watch TV if they really want to see something, etc.

I don't think this is friendship-ruining (we're not really that close anymore anyway), but I don't know if I'm going to be able to get anything to change. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to cap his nights here at 2-3 per week, but we'll see. The sad part is I'm gone a lot of weekends (and so is my sister), so they have the place to themselves a weekend or two a month. I feel like I have to nip this issue now. They are fairly outdoorsy/active people, so I can only see them hanging out here even more when it is winter and they aren't going out as much.

 

[elocomotive]

sounds like chuck is the one who needs more fibre in his diet

LMAO!!!

 

[Winged_Wheel88]

Face to face is the only way to solve conflicts. If she doesn't let you finish what you are saying, kick her ass.

Seriously Chief? Is that your answer to everything?

 

[jstewismybastardson]

Seriously Chief? Is that your answer to everything?

i thought the answer was the patented JeffSly backhand to the face (or is this only reserved for the Jews?)

 

[elocomotive]

I don't think this is friendship-ruining (we're not really that close anymore anyway), but I don't know if I'm going to be able to get anything to change. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to cap his nights here at 2-3 per week, but we'll see. The sad part is I'm gone a lot of weekends (and so is my sister), so they have the place to themselves a weekend or two a month.

As an alternative, maybe cap the nights during the week if the weekend is not really an issue. You could say any weekend is fine and only 2 nights during the week. They can go over to his place more if they have to see each other every night, which I'm sure that daddy-never-loved-me whore Kaylee probably will need until she suffocates him and then cheats on HIM ANYWAY!!!!

Just... hypothetically....