OT: Joke thread

[mattola]

 

[dash]

A couple more from Rodney:

"That football team isn't that tough - The football team at my high school, now they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family."

"Yeah, you can say I went to a tough school. In English class, the teacher asked, "What comes at the end of a sentence? The guy next to me replied, "An appeal".

 

[Cmon_WTF]

A couple more from Rodney:

"That football team isn't that tough - The football team at my high school, now they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family."

"Yeah, you can say I went to a tough school. In English class, the teacher asked, "What comes at the end of a sentence? The guy next to me replied, "An appeal".

"How do I know I'm ugly? My dog puts a bag over my head before he humps my leg."

 

[beantownmaniac]

A couple more from Rodney:

"That football team isn't that tough - The football team at my high school, now they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family."

"Yeah, you can say I went to a tough school. In English class, the teacher asked, "What comes at the end of a sentence? The guy next to me replied, "An appeal".

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

 

[beantownmaniac]

More Rodney:




My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

 

[elocomotive]

I love that when I'm reading all these Rodney Dangerfield jokes I can totally hear his voice.

Turns out he does get some respect.

 

[juliansteed]

Last year I was driving home from a Christmas party after having a few drinks and got pulled over. The cop asked me to walk in a straight line. I took a few steps and fell then took a few more.

The cop: "You can barely walk more than a few feet!"

Me: "Well duh! Why the fuck do you think I decided to drive instead?"

 

[juliansteed]

A priest and rabbi walk past an orphanage.

The priest says "Hey, do you wanna go screw those kids?"

The rabbi looks at him all confused and replies "Out of what?"

 

[juliansteed]

Husband and wife wake up to their kid crying and screaming. Husband goes in and checks on him.

"I just dreamt that Grampy died!" the boy says. The father tells him it was just a dream and both go back to bed. Not thinking anything of it, he simply tells his wife it was just a bad dream and everyone goes to sleep. The next day the boy's grandfather dies.

A few weeks later the kid wakes them up again. Husband goes in and checks on him.

"I just dreamt that Grandma died!" he says. The father tells him it was just a dream and that last time was just a coincidence. Kid goes back to bed. Man tells his wife again that it was just a bad dream. The next day the kid's grandmother dies.

A few months later the boy wakes them up again. This time the wife offers to go check on him. She goes in the boys room but doesn't realize the father was just outside the room listening.

"I just dreamt that daddy died!" he says. The wife was unaware of the 1st 2 dreams and didn't think anything of it and tells the boy everything is fine and to go back to sleep. The husband rushes back into bed before the wife. She tells him it was just another bad dream.

The husband doesn't sleep all night worrying that he is very likely to die the next day. He has a very stressful drive to and from work and every little thing scared him.

When he finally comes home he starts to relax a little and tells his wife that he had the worst day ever.

She replies "You think you had a bad day? The milkman dropped dead on our doorstep!"

 

[IndyAndy]

A man goes to see his doctor for his yearly physical. After it's over the doctor tells him; "I'm really sorry to have to give you such bad news, but you only have ten to live."

Shocked, the man demands; "Ten!!?? - Ten what? Months, weeks, days!!??"

... To which the doctor replied; "Nine... eight...".

 

[forty_three]

A young Polar bear walks up to his dad and says "Dad, are you sure I'm 100% Polar bear?

The dad says, "Yes, son. Your mom's 100% Polar bear, and I'm 100% Polar bear, so you are 100% Polar bear."

The young bear then walks over to his mom, still not convinced. "Mom, are you sure I'm 100% Polar bear?"

Mom replies, "Yes, dad just told you that we're both 100% Polar bear. And what's more all your grandparents are 100% Polar bear too. You are as Polar bear as a Polar bear can get. Why are you asking?"

"Because I'm FREEZING!"

 

[IndyAndy]

A magician brings a man from the audience on stage to assist in his last trick of the night. He hands the man a sledge hammer and tells him; "I'm going to kneel down & place the side of my head on this stool. I want you to hit me in the temple with that sledge hammer as hard as you can."

The man gives him a quizzical look, but says; "Alright... if you say so."

The magician gets ready. The man lifts the sledge hammer above his head, and then... WHAM!!!

Five years later the magician suddenly wakes up from his coma, sits upright in his hospital bed and proclaims; "TA-DA!!!"

 

[esls79]

I met this really kinky girl at the bar last night - she asked me to take her home and humilate her, so I bought her an Oilers jersey.

 

[dash]

 

[sabresfaninthesouth]

I met this really kinky girl at the bar last night - she asked me to take her home and humilate her, so I bought her an Oilers jersey.

That's a great joke because it can be so easily adapted.

Sabres. Bills. Lions. Jaguars. Astros.

The list goes on.

 

[blindbaby]

I met this really kinky girl at the bar last night - she asked me to take her home and humilate her, so I bought her an Oilers jersey.

Reminds me of this old classic - The ol' lady told me last night to give her ten inches and make her hurt....so I fucked her twice and punched her is the head.

 

[dash]

A nun having a spritual crisis stripped down to her birthday suit in her room and started pleasuring herself. All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", she called out
"It's the blind man" was the reply.

Upon hearing that, the nun got up from her bed and went to the door sans clothes. She opened the door and was greeted with, "Nice tits honey, where do you want these curtains?"

 

[mbhhofr]

A seal goes into a bar and orders a whiskey. Bartender asks him what brand. Seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

 

[mattola]

 

[IPostedWhat]