OT: Joke thread

[Winged_Wheel88]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

LOL!!!!!!!!

 

[mattola]

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust.

 

[mattola]

The WELFARE CHECK

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive her around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it."

 

[Bizzle McDizzle]

Since it's a football day...



How do you say "Tony Romo" in spanish?


"Mark Sanchez"

 

[DevilishWon]

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar and the bartender says....

What is this a joke?

 

[puckhead]

Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then he made the earth round...................and he laughed and laughed and laughed!

 

[Darkstone42]

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

 

[puckhead]

An alien UFO is hovering over a newfie fishing boat watching them. The newfies are singing their old song, "aye's a bye that builds a boat...." etc etc
One alien says to the other "look at those stupid newfies. They don't even use most of their brain. I wonder what would happen if we removed half their brain"
so they take out a zap gun, turn it to half power and ZZZZAP! now the newfies only have half a brain.

they look at each other for a second, stunned, then go back to singing "ayes a bye the builds a boat..." etc etc
the aliens are amused. they removed half of these creatures brains and there was absolutely no change. so they decide to remove another quarter. ZZZZAP! now the newfies only have 1/4 of their original brains left.

They look at each other, a little more stunned, but shrug it off and go back to singing "ayes a bye that builds a boat..."

The aliens are in disbelief. do these creatures even need a brain? they turn the zap gun up full blast. ZZZZZAP! now the newfies have absolutely no brain left in their head.
the newfies stop what they're doing, look at each other, and start singing "frere jaques, frere jaques....."

 

[douggie]

Dad: "Why did you kick your little brother in the stomach?"

Son: "Because he turned around!"

 

[KinderGentlerDup]

Hear about the new shelter they opened up in Vancouver called "Tempura"? It's for lightly battered women.

 

[dash]

A couple from Rodney Dangerfield:

"My wife, she's a terrible driver - The other day she hit a deer...She was at the zoo"

"Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"

 

[Johnnydollaz89]

Did you guys hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in-tents!

 

[Cmon_WTF]

A little Jewish boy went to his father and asked to barrow 20 dollars. The father said, "20 dollars! What do you need 10 dollars for? What could you possibly buy with 5 dollars?"

 

[dare2be]

Did you guys hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in-tents!

Reminds me of this one:

The Past, Present, and the Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

 

[dash]

Did you guys hear about the cross-eyed teacher who was fired because she had no control over her pupils?

 

[calsnowskier]

Why does Kermit like it when Ms Piggy has a cold?

Because she has a frog in her throat.

 

[dash]

Two guys bump into each other on the sidewalk:

First guy asks, "Hey, what you got there in that brown paper bag?"
Second guy replies: "I got a bottle of whiskey for my wife"
First guy says: "That's a good trade"

 

[Johnnydollaz89]

Reminds me of this one:

The Past, Present, and the Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Hahaha

Do you guys know how an Astronaut cuts his hair in space?

He-clipse it

 

[dash]

The electrician's daughter was very popular as she never would refuse...

 

[Slimpikins]

A p*****ile, a priest, and a rapist walk into a bar. The bartender says "What can I get you sir?"