OT: Joke thread

[higgyfan4]

Kid: What is a man?

Dad: A man is who loves you unconditionally, cares about you and protects you.

Kid: When I grow up, I'll be a man like Mom.

 

[dash]

When I was a kid, I said to my mom, "Give me a dollar and I'll be good"
My mom replied, "Why can't you be more like your father and be good for nothin'"

 

[Cmon_WTF]

There was an explosion at a pie factory yesterday. The blast was felt up to 3.14159 miles away...

 

[dash]

There was an explosion at a pie factory yesterday. The blast was felt up to 3.14159 miles away...

At the risk of going off on a tangent, I would like to co-sign the above joke as both funny and delicious.

 

[elocomotive]

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was assaulted.

 

[Cmon_WTF]

At the risk of going off on a tangent, I would like to co-sign the above joke as both funny and delicious.

I believe it happened in Boston. I heard they got creamed.

 

[dash]

I believe it happened in Boston. I heard they got creamed.

lol - I'll keep setting them up on a tea, and if it's not too taxing, we're turn it into a good ole party.

 

[elocomotive]

Uhh... Paul Revere!!

Damn it, I choked.

 

[blindbaby]

So the Newfy's quit playing water polo after drowning all of their horses.

 

[dash]

So the Newfy's quit playing water polo after drowning all of their horses.

I was hesistant to crack open that vault, but now that BB has done so:

We know that Jesus Christ was not born in Newfoundland as we were unable to find three wise men and a virgin.

 

[elocomotive]

Am I to take it that Canadians look down on Newfoundland or something? Is it like the West Virginia of Canada?

 

[IPostedWhat]

 

[IPostedWhat]

 

[dash]

^

I thought it was "Both look great until they hit the ice"

 

[forty_three]

A small town was starting to flood, and it was getting worse by the hour. A man was sitting on his front porch when the sherrif came by in a rowboat. "Dam up river is about to burst, this whole area is going to go under. Come with me, we're heading up to higher ground."

"Nope" replied the man. "I have faith, the lord will save me."

Two hours later, the water is up to the second floor and the guy is leaning out a second floor window when the Sheriff comes by again, in a power boat. "C'mon. We're heading up to higher ground, the water is not going to stop."

"Nope" replied the man. "I have faith, the lord will save me."

Finally, a few hours later, the man is standing on his roof and the water is waist deep. The Sheriff flies over in a helicopter. "LAST CHANCE, WE'RE NOT COMING BACK! WE'RE GOING TO HIGHER GROUND, THE TOWN IS LOST!"

"I HAVE FAITH THE LORD WILL SAVE ME!" the man yells back.

He drowns and when he gets to heaven he is angry. He looks right at God and says "I had faith you were going to save me and you let me die!"

God looks down at him and says "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?"

 

[IPostedWhat]

^

I thought it was "Both look great until they hit the ice"

Get with the times Dash.

This is a more modern take on the joke considering the new Divisions.

 

[dash]

Get with the times Dash.

This is a more modern take on the joke considering the new Divisions.

Yes, 'tis true.

/and it still works for the Maple Leafs as well

 

[forty_three]

A traveling salesman, about 20 years old, is going through the southwest when he sees a roadside attraction sign. "Meet the Indian with the world's greatest memory. Never forgets ANYTHING" He pulls in, and walks over. "What did you have for breakfast 18 years ago today?"

The Indian replies "eggs".

The salesman shrugs and leaves, thinking he can't verify and that it's a scam. He goes on with his life.

50 Years later, he is traveling in the same area with his grandkids and sees the same sign. To his astonishment, the same Indian is still there. He rushes his grandkids over to check it out. He walks up to the Indian and says "how".

"Scrambled"

 

[mattola]

A man says to his wife, "I Bet you $100 you can't say something that would make me both happy and sad at the same time"...


The wife thinks for a moment and responds "Of all your friends, you have the biggest dick".

 

[dash]

My mother-in-law said to her husband, "You're a terrible man. When you die, I'm gonna dance on your grave".

My father-in-law replied, "I'm going to be buried at sea - Go ahead and dance"