OT: Jokes and Riddles thread

[Comeds]

I was wondering how it was received since the video ended abruptly.

 

[buffhockey]

 

[Fencer]

Did you hear about the guy who didn't pay his exorcism bill?

He got re-possessed.

I've used that one in trivia questions as to when a joke originated. (In that case I first heard it when the movie The Exorcist came out.)

Similarly but more difficult if you don't recall the times -- why did Yuri Andropov shoot down KAL 007?

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He wanted to impress Jodie Foster.

 

[Fencer]

True story:

I was by the panel in an elevator, asking other passengers what floors they needed to go to. One said "I'm going all the way to the top".

I replied: "Optimist."

 

[Fencer]

True story, also dealing with elevators:

I was standing next to a Nobel Laureate economist on the ground floor of a building, as a couple of elevators passed us on the way to the basement. I remarked out loud that it seemed everybody in the basement wanted an elevator. He shot back:

"You're confusing supply with demand."

 

[Fencer]

True story, sort of (I didn't pull it off totally cleanly):

I was going to meet somebody by car at Symphony Hall in Boston. As with many locations in Boston, everybody knows roughly where that is, but it can still be tricky getting there by car.

So I waited until he asked me how to get to Symphony Hall. I answered:

"Practice"

 

[dash]

This guy is driving in Florida when he gets pulled over by the cops. The cop walks up to the guy's car and notices he has a crocodile strapped into the passenger seat. The cop says, "You can't be driving around with a crocodile like that"

The driver replies, "Oh, he's not a crocodile, he's my navi-gator"

 

[buffhockey]

 

[dash]

A guy recently visited the emergency room at his local hospital with 25 tiny plastic horses inserted into his rectum.

The physician described his condition as stable.

 

[sbb122]

A guy recently visited the emergency room at his local hospital with 25 tiny plastic horses inserted into his rectum.

The physician described his condition as stable.

Sounds like he was also feeling a little hoarse

 

[dash]

I made a joke over a ZOOM meeting but nobody laughed. Turns out I'm not remotely funny.

 

[Judge Fudge]

So. I am having an Endocardiogram done today.

The lady who doing the ultrasound pictures and the Student are having a little trouble finding my heart.

Me: "Don't worry. I have been called Heartless a few times"

 

[dash]

Ruth rode on my motorbike
She rode in back of me
I hit a bump at sixty-five
And rode on ruthlessly

 

[sbb122]

My Vince Lascheid post reminded me of this gem…

Guy walks into a bar...​

He notices an old drunk in a corner playing a piano. There's a scribbled sign that says "Taking Requests" and a tip jar. And on top of the piano sits a mangy looking monkey. The guy sits at the bar and orders a drink. As soon as the bartender sets the drink on the bar the monkey scampers over, jumps on the bar, and dips his balls in the guys drink. Disgusted, the guy walks over to the drunk playing the piano and says, "Do you know your monkey just dipped his balls in my drink?"
The drunken pianist looks up and says, "No, but if you hum a few bars maybe I could figure it out."

 

[dash]

 

[dash]

 

[dash]

A frustrated postman pinned this sign on a ladies' front door.

"Please trim your bush so that I can service your box"

 

[sbb122]

A frustrated postman pinned this sign on a ladies' front door.

"Please trim your bush so that I can service your box"

 

[dash]

The best thing about dating an electrician's daughter is that she never would refuse

 

[R.J. MacReady]

A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt."Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.

The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "Hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned.

"Completely inebriated the drunk man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home .As soon as he walks through the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him, "Where have you been? you're completely drunk and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt.

"Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "No no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket.

"The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "There's $40 in here."

"Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."

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