Hockey jokes

[KennyBanyeah]

I'll start this one.

What do whales and Toronto Maple Leafs have in common?

They both become confused when surrounded by ice.


Why is Jesus Christ a bad hockey player?

He always gets nailed on the boards.

 

[IPostedWhat]

A woman goes into a tatoo parlor and she is a huge hockey fan. She tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of Wayne Gretzky on her inner thigh.

The guy figures it is a bit weird, but goes ahead and does the work. After about an hour he is finished and passes the woman a mirror. She looks down at the mirror and says with disgust...."That doesn't look a thing like Wayne Gretzky. Do it again on the other side, and this time get it right."

The guy is a little frustrated but gets back to work and does the job again, and in an hour and a half wipes his brow and hands the lady the mirror. "I am sure you will be pleased this time."

The lady looks down at the mirror and says "I can't believe it. What a terrible job. That again looks nothing like the Great One, you're pathetic."

The guy is flabbergasted. He grabs the woman by the arm and drags her out front of the store and stops the first man he sees. He points to the tattoos and says....

"NOW WHO'S THAT???!!!"

The man says..."I don't know who the two wingers are but the centre sure looks like Lanny McDonald."

 

[IPostedWhat]

Three hockey fans were on their way to a game in Montreal when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, drunk and passed out.

Out of respect and propriety, the Toronto fan took off his Leafs cap and placed it over her right breast. The Montreal fan took off his Canadiens cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Ottawa fan took off his Senators cap and placed it over her crotch.

911 were called and, when the fire officer arrived, he conducted his assessment. First, he lifted up the Leafs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Canadiens cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Senators cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Montreal fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What's the deal, are all firefighters perverts or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the firefighter, "I'm simply surprised. Normally, when I look under a Senators cap , I find an @sshole."

 

[KennyBanyeah]

Three hockey fans were on their way to a game in Montreal when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, drunk and passed out.

Out of respect and propriety, the Toronto fan took off his Leafs cap and placed it over her right breast. The Montreal fan took off his Canadiens cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Ottawa fan took off his Senators cap and placed it over her crotch.

911 were called and, when the fire officer arrived, he conducted his assessment. First, he lifted up the Leafs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Canadiens cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Senators cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Montreal fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What's the deal, are all firefighters perverts or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the firefighter, "I'm simply surprised. Normally, when I look under a Senators cap , I find an @sshole."

REP!!

And not the good kind my friend!!

 

[ritari330]

Not my work, don't kill the messenger

Two guys from Ottawa die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?" They reply, "'Well, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit eh". The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again they reply, "Well, like we told ya, we're from Canada, land of ice and snow, and we're just happy for a chance to warm up a little, eh." This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Canadians in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "We don't get much warm weather in Ottawa. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice." The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two Canadians back in their parkas, toques and mittens. But now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men! The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?" The two guys from Ottawa look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Sens have won the Stanley Cup.

 

[mbhhofr]

Parents are getting a divorce and the Judge is trying to decide who gets custody of their six year old son. He asks the boy if he wants to be with his father. The boy replies, "No." The Judge asks him why and the boy responds, "He always beats me." The Judge asks him if he wants to be with his mother. The boy says, "No," again, for the same reason. The Judge then asks him if he wants to go with his grandparents. The boy says, "No," again, because they also beat him. The Judge then asks the boy who he wants to go with. The boy replies, "I want to go with the Maple Leafs, they don't beat anyone."

 

[IPostedWhat]

Oldie but a goodie:

Q : Why did they stop the leper hockey game?

A : There was a face off in the corner.

 

[IPostedWhat]

There was a Vancouver Canucks fan, a Montreal Canadiens fan, an Ottawa Senators fan and a Toronto Maple Leafs fan standing on the edge of a cliff. The Canucks fan jumped off the cliff and yelled, "This is for the Canucks!" The Montreal fan jumped off the cliff and yelled, "This is for the Canadiens!" Then the Leafs fan pushed the Senators fan off the cliff and yelled, "This is for the Maple Leafs!"

 

[devils30mb]

Three hockey fans were on their way to a game in Montreal when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, drunk and passed out.

Out of respect and propriety, the Toronto fan took off his Leafs cap and placed it over her right breast. The Montreal fan took off his Canadiens cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Ottawa fan took off his Senators cap and placed it over her crotch.

911 were called and, when the fire officer arrived, he conducted his assessment. First, he lifted up the Leafs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Canadiens cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Senators cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Montreal fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What's the deal, are all firefighters perverts or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the firefighter, "I'm simply surprised. Normally, when I look under a Senators cap , I find an @sshole."

LMOA
+ rep for that. I almost pissed myself!

 

[IPostedWhat]

What is the difference between the Buffalo Sabres and a bra?

A bra has two cups.

 

[KennyBanyeah]

Sean Avery and Chris Pronger accidentally walked into a gay bar. They had just sat when a man walked up to Sean and asked him to dance.

Horrified, he turned to Pronger and whispered, "Help me out of this!" So Pronger grabs the guy, slams him up against the wall and mumbles something menacingly into his face. Once let out of his clutches, the guy apologized and hurried away.

Wow, Sean says, "Thanks, what did you say to him?" Prongs shrugged and replied, "Told him we're on our honeymoon."

 

[IPostedWhat]

Mario Lemieux, Steve Yzerman and Wayne Gretzky are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Lemieux first he asks, "What do you believe?" Mario looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Hockey to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from Moscow to the bright lights of New York. I have devoted my life to bringing such joy to people who watch us and support their team."

God looks up and offers Mario the seat to his left.

He then turns to Steve Yzerman, "And you, Steve, what do you believe?" Stevie Y stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Yzerman the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Gretzky, "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"

"I believe," says Gretzky, "You're sitting in my seat"

 

[KennyBanyeah]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

 

[elocomotive]

What is the difference between the Buffalo Sabres and a bra?

A bra has two cups.

 

[IPostedWhat]

I really hope that pic becomes your very own Burton Guster to use.

 

[mooger_35]

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in the park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. "What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Boston Bruins fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard from Boston Kills Beloved Family Pet."

 

[IPostedWhat]

Three Canadians and three Americans were traveling to a hockey game.
The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asks an American.
Watch and you'll see," says a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,
"Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.
How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American.
"Watch and you'll see," replies a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.
Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!"

 

[KennyBanyeah]

 

[ritari330]

While attending a Maple Leaf game this guy notices another guy with a dog at his side.To his amazement he notices that everytime the Leafs score the dog does a somersault.Again the Leafs score and again the dog does a somersault.This goes on 3 or 4 times until he finally just can't stand it anymore and has to ask this guy why his dog does a somersault everytime the Leafs score.So he gets up and goes over to where the guy with the dog is sitting and says:

"Excuse me sir,I have a question about your dog.I noticed that everytime the Leafs score a goal your dog does a somersualt.Why is that?"


The guy with the dog replies:

"I know,it's wierd,I have no explanation.Everytime the Leafs score he does a somersault."


First guy then says:

"What does he do when the Leafs win?"

The guy with the dog replies:

"I don't know,I've only had him 15 years!!!"

 

[IPostedWhat]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.


Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a#@hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.


Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"


"Canada, sir," the boy replied.


"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.


The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."


"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"


The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"