OT - your favo(u)rite joke

[puckhead]

My daughter asked me what my favourite joke is... I couldn't think of an appropriate answer.
Here's mine:


Man comes home from work at the pickle factory and he's completely distraught.
His wife asks "what's wrong honey?"
The guy says "I've lost my job. It was the worst thing. Ever since I started there I have had this
overwhelming urge to put my penis in the pickle-slicer. Finally I couldn't resit anymore, so I did it."
The wife says "Oh my god! are you OK?"
"yes, yes, I'm fine. But I got caught so they fired me"
"I have to ask - what happened with the pickle slicer"
"Oh, she got fired too"



so what's yours?

 

[dash]

A nun was in her room at the convent saying her prayers. It was summertime and the heat was unbearable, so she decided to take off her habit. When she had finished her prayers, she was lying stark naked on her bed when there was a knock at her door.

She called out, "Who is it?"
"It's the blind man" was the reply.

She thought okay no problem he can't see me so she strolled over to her door without putting any clothes on and let the man in. The man walked in and said, "Nice tits honey, now where do you want these curtains?"

 

[forty_three]

A young guy starts his new job as a traveling salesman, and his first route is in the south west. As he is filling up at a service station he notices a roadside attraction. It says "Meet the Indian Chief with the worlds greatest memory! Ask him anything, he remembers everything!"

Guys walks over, and after a minute asks "What did you have for breakfast on March 16th of last year?"

"Eggs" Says the Indian Chief.

Guy realizes he has no way to verify and goes on his way. 50 years later, he is traveling the same area with his grandkids. He pulls into the same service station, and to his amazement the Indian Chief is still there. He excitedly gets his grandkids and runs over. He walks up to the Indian chief and raises his hand and says "How".

"Scrambled"

 

[dash]

Two guys who haven't seen each other in a while meet for dinner and the one guy says to the other, "Do you mind picking up the tab, somebody stole my credit card".

The other guy says, "No problem, but I hope you reported your stolen card to your credit card company"

The first guy replies, "I was planning to, but the guy who stole it is spending less than my wife".

 

[mbhhofr]

Fellow has his wheel chair confined father placed in a nursing home. The next day, the father is wheeled into the common area where other patients are. The attendant sits on a sofa next to the father. The father starts leaning to his right and the attendant grabs him, straightens him out and places a pillow between him and the right arm of the wheel chair. A few seconds later, the father starts leaning to his left, is grabbed by the attendant, straightened out again and a pillow is placed between him and the left arm of the wheel chair. A few more seconds pass and the father start to lean forward in his chair. He's once again grabbed by the attendant, pushed back into his chair, has another pillow placed in his lap with his arms holding it. That afternoon, the son comes to visit his father and asks him how he likes it there. The father replies "It isn't too bad but they won't let me fart."

 

[dash]

A country and western themed bar with a horse out front had a special promotion entitled "Make the horse laugh and win 500 dollars". This guy goes up to the horse, whispers something in his ear and the horse begins to laugh uncontrollably. The guy walks up the bar owner and collects his 500 dollars.

The following week, the bar has the same horse but a different promotion - This time it's make the horse cry and win 500 dollars. The same guy walks up to the horse, unties him from the hitching post, leads him round to the back of the bar, and then walks a crying horse back to the bar owner who pays out another 500 dollars to the guy.

The bar owner asks, "Okay fella, what's your secret?"
The guy replies, "Well, last week, I whispered in the horse's ear that I had a bigger dick than he has. This week, I showed him"

 

[forty_three]

There is a small town downriver from a dam. During a torrential rain storm, the dam starts to fail and the town begins to flood. The Sheriff foes through town in a rowboat and tells a man standing on his front porch "Dam's gonna bust, this place will flood. Get in the boat and we'll take you to higher ground".

Guy responds "No thanks, I have faith that the good lord will save me."

Little while later, the water is still rising. Sheriff comes by in a motorboat and the same guy is now leaning out of the second floor window of his house. First floor is under water. "C'mon, this ain't letting up. Get in the boat, let me take you to higher ground."

"Nope, I have faith that the good lord will save me."

An hour later, the dam is gone. The whole area is under water. The sheriff is flying over town in a helicopter and sees the guy, standing on his roof with the water up to his knees. "C'MON, the town is wasted. Get in here and I will take you to higher ground!"

"I have faith that the good lord will save me."

The guy drowns and when he stands before God, he is angry. "I had faith that you would save me and you let me die!"

"I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?"

 

[IndyAndy]

A magician asks for a volunteer from the audience. A guy comes up on stage & the magician tells him; "I'm going to get down on my knees and place my head on this table. I want you to pick up that sledge hammer & hit me in the temple as hard as you can".

The guy is a bit shocked at this, but thinks; "Okay; he must have something planed where he doesn't get hurt".

The magician & the volunteer both take there places. The volunteer lifts up the sledge hammer & - WHAM!!!

Ten years later the magician suddenly wakes up from his coma, sits bolt upright in his hospital bed and says; "TA-DA!!!".

 

[IndyAndy]

A man goes to his doctor for an annual physical. After all the tests are done & the results are back, the doctor tells him; "I'm afraid it's bad news. You only have ten to live."

Startled & terrified, the man demands to know; "Ten what?: Months? Weeks? Days?"

The doctor replies; "Nine... eight... seven..."

 

[Gooch1034]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

 

[dash]

A hockey fan dies and goes to heaven and once there he runs into St. Peter who informs him that there will be a hockey game later that day.

The first team comes out in all white bearing a crest on their front with the letters 'GG', the fan turns to St. Peter and asks, "Who is that?", to which St. Peter replies, "Those are the good guys".

This makes perfect sense to him. Then the next team steps onto the ice wearing all black, with a crest on their uniforms that say 'BG'. "Well, who are they?" asks the hockey fan and St. Peter tells him, "Those are the bad guys". The fan nods.

Then after a lap around the ice, a single player comes out wearing a uniform of all colors, a glory to behold and the letters 'WG' on his uniform. The hockey fan promptly asks, "Who is he?", to which St. Peter replies, "Oh him? That's God, he thinks he's Wayne Gretzky".

 

[Jared]

Two older men, George and Leo, are playing golf on a sunny afternoon. They are about to tee off on the 5th hole, which is bordered by a public road on the left. Just as George is about to hit, a lengthy funeral procession appears, driving right past where they are standing.

George steps back from his ball, removes his hat, places it on his heart and bows his head. After a couple of minutes, the procession has passed, and George prepares to hit again.

Leo says, "Before you hit, I have to tell you. That was a wonderful sign of respect. You're a good man, George, I don't know if I would have thought to do that."

George replies, "It's the least I could do. We were married for forty years."

 

[puckhead]

Son: Dad, how come my sister is named Teresa?
Dad: Well son, your mother and I named the kids as anagrams of the things that we love, and your mother just loves Easter so much.
Son: ......
Dad: ......
Son: Well, what about...
Dad: Shut up, Alan.

 

[naslundfan19]

This was my dad’s favorite joke.

A duck walks into a store. He asks the manager, "Do you have any crackers?" The manager says, "No, we don't have any crackers." The duck leaves, and comes back later. He asks the manager, "Do you have any crackers?" The manager is annoyed and says, "NO! We don't have any crackers!" The next day, here comes the duck again into the hardware store. He finds the manager and says, "Do you have any crackers?" The manager, exasperated, says, "No, we don't have any crackers, and if you come in here and ask me that again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" and stomps away.


So the duck comes in the next day and asks, “Do you have any nails?” The manager says “NO!” So the duck asks, “Do you have any crackers?”

 

[esls79]

Rectum, damn near killed him.

 

[sbb122]

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:

First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"