OT: Jokes and Riddles thread

[dash]

I'll get us started:

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors"

 

[mooger_35]

This is my daughter's favourite

Knock knock

Who's there

Interrupting cow

Interrupting c /

MOOOOOOOOOO!!

 

[forty_three]

My TV gets the Origami channel.

It's all paper view.

 

[Judge Fudge]

 

[dash]

Q. What do you call two crows?

A. Attempted murder.

 

[thedddd]

Whats Helen Keller's favorite color?
.
.
.
Velcro

Too Soon?

 

[elocomotive]

A crime was committed yesterday when two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

 

[elocomotive]

This will probably come in handy in this thread...

 

[forty_three]

What do you call someone who states the obvious?


Someone who states the obvious.

 

[davnlaguna]

What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common?
The both suck without cream

 

[KennyBanyeah]

Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?


Because it's two tired.

 

[puckhead]

There are 10 type of people in this world.
those who get binary and those who don't

 

[forty_three]

What's blue and smells like red paint?


Blue paint.

 

[forty_three]

What do you call a priest that passes the bar exam?

Father in Law.

 

[forty_three]

Did you hear about the guy who didn't pay his exorcism bill?

He got re-possessed.

 

[forty_three]

A guy was in a small town, downriver from a dam. There were heavy storms and the area started to flood. It was up to the first step in front of his house when the Sheriff paddled by in a canoe. The guy was on his porch and the Sheriff called out - "Hey, that dam may not hold. This area's gonna flood. Get in, I'll take you to higher ground."

Guy called out: "Nope. I have faith the Good Lord will save me."

Few hours later, the dam is close to bursting, the flood waters are up to the second floor of the guy's house. He is leaning out a second story window when the Sheriff comes buy in a speedboat. "Hey, the dam isn't going to hold. Get in, I will take you to higher ground."

"Nope. I have faith the Good Lord will save me.

Few hours later, the dam has burst. House is underwater. Guy is standing on his roof with the water up to his chest. Sheriff comes by in a Helicopter. "LAST CHANCE, Still rising, get in and I can save you."

"NO! The Good Lord will save me. "

So the guy drowns. He gets to the gates and he's upset. He looks at God and says:
"Hey, I had faith that you would save me, and you just let me die!"

God says;
"I sent you two boats and a Helicopter, what more did you want me to do?"

 

[Judge Fudge]

Walked in to the kitchen.

Someone lets out " Ah shit"

Me: "what every girl says waking up next to me"

 

[Gooch1034]

What did 1 bra say to the other?

You go on "ahead"...I'll hold these 2 up!

 

[Gooch1034]

What do you call an apology written in dashes and dots?

Remorse code

 

[DragonfromTO]

What did 1 bra say to the other?

You go on "ahead"...I'll hold these 2 up!

This reminded me of an old classic... did you hear about the two pussy lips? They used to be so tight before they let some dick come between them.