OT: Jokes and Riddles thread

[Gooch1034]

This reminded me of an old classic... did you hear about the two pussy lips? They used to be so tight before they let some dick come between them.

How the fuck do you know my wife?

 

[dash]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since last Monday.

 

[tducey]

Went to the doctor today. Doctor said I was healthy but I need to lose weight, I said wait for what?

 

[davnlaguna]

My TV gets the Origami channel.

It's all paper view.

I tried to get that channel but they told me it folded

 

[dash]

Q. Why do Norwegian battle ships have bar codes on them?

A. So when they come to port, you can scan da navy in.

 

[Used 2 B Hu]

Three dudes were traveling when their car flipped, and they all died. When they got to heaven, St. Peter welcomed them in but warned, "don't step on any ducks."

There were ducks EVERYWHERE. One of the guys said, "I don't get it, why can't we step on a duck? There's millions of them...I'm going to see what happens."

So he trod upon a mallard, and instantly two angels appeared with a hideous monster, which they chained to the guy. One of the Angels said, "Because you stepped on a duck, you will remain chained to this beast for eternity."

The other two guys are more careful, but eventually another one of them accidentally kicks a canvasback. Again, two angels appear with another hideous beast, which they chain to the guy.

The third guy is SO careful, he hardly even moves. Weeks pass, and he still doesn't step on any ducks. Then one day, two angels appear next to him, along with a beautiful young lady, which they begin to chain to the man. He says, out loud, "Wonder what I did to deserve this!?"

And the lady says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck..."

 

[forty_three]

I said to my boss that I need a few hours off because I am going to become a father.

He said "that's great, take the rest of the day! Good luck."

I came back in this morning and my boss asked "Well, is it a boy or a girl?"

I said "I will tell you in 9 months".

 

[dash]

Q. Who designed the round table for King Arthur?

A. Sir Cumference

 

[dash]

The other day I looked in the mirror and said to me wife, "I see a fat, ugly old man. I need a compliment to lift me spirits".

My wife replied, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect".

 

[puckhead]

Back in the day, the gods are having a massive orgy. insane amounts of wine, food, fucking everything that moves.
Party goes on into the wee hours of the morning, until gods and guests pass out into a sweaty pile on the floor.

Thor finally wakes up, sees a hot little nymph walking across the room, and figures he could use another go-round.
He raises an eyebrow and says to the nymph "Hi..... I'm Thor"

She says "You're thor? You're thor?? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"

 

[kenyg54]

Nurse walks in the room. Patient says “hey nurse, do you know you have a thermometer behind your ear”? Reply— “shit, some ass hole has my pencil”

 

[mrwallace2ku]

Superman flying around Metropolis sees Wonder Woman spread eagle on her bed naked thru a wall with his x-ray vision. Superman swoops down in thru the open window and bangs Wonder Woman and flies off satisfied…

Wonder Woman says, "What was that?"…the Invisible Man says, "I don't know but my asshole sure hurts…".

 

[naslundfan19]

Q. Who designed the round table for King Arthur?

A. Sir Cumference

Who was the cook?


Sir Loin Of Beef.

 

[dash]

Who was the cook?


Sir Loin Of Beef.

Q. Who was responsible for all the wine they drank?

A. Sir Osis of Liver

 

[naslundfan19]

Q. Who was responsible for all the wine they drank?

A. Sir Osis of Liver

Who was the doctor?


Sir Jerry

 

[wings-pens2166]

two brothers are getting ready for school. for big brother it's his birthday and he says, "I'm 12 now, I'm a man. I'm gonna swear because that's what men do. I'm gonna say damn." little bro, who looks up to big bro says, "I wanna be a man. I wanna swear too." so big bro says, "ok. you say ass."

That decided, they finish and go downstairs for breakfast. mom asks big Bro want he wants for breakfast and he replies, "I want some damn cheerios." "what did you just say?" "I said I want some damn cheerios." Mom being old school gives him a serious whack across the mouth.

Seeing big bro laid out, crying little brother is pretty freaked out now. Mom looks at him and asks very sternly, "What do you want for breakfast?"

"I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not cheerios!"

 

[dash]

Inspired by today's discussion in the Freakin' Cool thread, I present the following:

Q. What has nine arms and sucks?
A. Def Leppard

 

[Judge Fudge]

The world origami championships was televised.

It was on Pay ver view ( sound it out)

 

[forty_three]

The other day, I was washing my car with my son.

He said "Dad, why can't you use a sponge?"

 

[Comeds]

pay per view....pay per view....