- Thread starter
- #1
- 68,257
- 5,320
- 533
- Joined
- Dec 21, 2012
- Hoopla Cash
- $ 198.00
- Fav. Team #1
- Fav. Team #2
- Fav. Team #3
Goodell to extend Brady suspension to one year, says ‘confession to all sins’ was the only new information he wanted to hear.
Special to the Deflate Derangement Syndrome New Service
By Hocus Pocus
NEW YORK – In an exclusive and expansive interview, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell said it was more probable than not that he will increase the suspension penalty of Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady to a full season.
In his first interview with a suck up reporter since the scandal broke in January, Goodell said this was no time to back down. “I have an obligation to the righteous soldiers of the deflategate crusade to impose a punitive penalty on Brady so they can feel vindicated,” an animated Goodell explained. “After hearing Brady and his lawyers prattle on for hours and hours at his appeal hearing, it’s clear that four games is not enough and they should be generally aware that attacking the integrity of the NFL is attacking me. To be honest, it hurt my feelings. After careful consideration when final briefs are presented next week, I will therefore likely increase the suspension to one year. Can’t wait to see those headlines or how Tom Brady will post that on his Facebook page.”
Goodell said his idea of “new information” was to have Brady confess to all sins, real or imagined, and throw himself on the mercy of the commissioner and his loyal disciples. He said he was unimpressed with Brady’s “smug and arrogant” attempt at the appeal to hijack the deflategate story line. Goodell was disappointed that Brady didn’t take his punishment “like a man who knows he’s beat” and plans to incorporate these new developments into his enhanced punishment.
“Brady hid behind his lawyers, claimed complete innocence and dared to attack the integrity of our bogus findings,” said a clearly agitated Goodell as he recounted the marathon appeal hearing of June 23. “Those who attack the Kangaroo Court of the NFL can’t be allowed to get by on logic and facts. We have a high standard of incompetence to maintain and in this deflategate witch hunt we can’t be detoured from our ultimate goal of branding Brady and the Patriots as liars and cheaters. We must show that any semblance of NFL competence is a pipe dream.”
Goodell couldn’t contain his enthusiasm for Ted Wells and the Wells Report. “I will stand by Ted come hell or high water and against all those nerdy scientists who accuse him of sloppiness. It was the best fake independent and totally not thorough investigation that $5 million could buy. It contains the best in junk science to fit our predetermined conclusions and I am particularly grateful for the hilarious suppositions that Ted Wells planted with what can only be called a genius touch. It was like he read our minds and he can connect non existing dots with gusto! I mean I still laugh how he created such buzz with that ‘deflator’ text. If that doesn’t confirm guilt, what does? And what can you say about ‘generally aware’? I mean that was so creative on Ted’s part.”
A PR flak early in his NFL career, Goodell admitted that Wells went above and beyond the call of highly paid duty to help the NFL seize the public relations high ground. “It was his idea to stick it to the Patriots and tell them the actual ball pressure readings in March while forcing them to sign a non-disclosure agreement. From a PR perspective, we couldn’t have that information out to cloud public perceptions that this might have been a molehill after all,” he said.
Goodell said that Wells proved his $5 million worth by making an ironclad case for the NFL. “All we needed was a couple of team clowns who couldn’t help themselves while texting, and Ted Wells to his credit created a conspiracy where none existed for a crime against integrity that we couldn’t prove,” Goodell said with a big smile. “It takes a lot to railroad a team and its star player so when you merge so much ambiguity with sinister intent, the sky’s the limit. When Brady dared to defy our request for his cell phone, we accused him of hiding behind a dubious constitutional right. We made it clear that we only wanted to leak the top 5 most embarrassing texts between him and his wife.”
Goodell said he plans to ask for a modest pay hike to $50 million annually from NFL owners for his deft handling of deflategate. “When I use the term ‘integrity of the game’ I want people to think of Richard Nixon saying he wasn’t a crook. Technically, he wasn’t because he was pardoned. We didn’t start out to on this path but providence offered us an opportunity when my scheming adviser Mike Kensil decided that the Patriots were guilty of something – or if not that, then for being generally annoying,” he said. “That Bill Belichick has been a thorn in our side for years and I know he thinks I’m a moron. He thinks he knows it all but we showed him what payback really is.”
Goodell said that the lead up to releasing the Wells Report in early May was critical. He complimented his NFL office disciples for taking “modern media inquisition techniques to a proud new level” and proven that facts can only be defined by the NFL.
“After we tarred and feathered the Patriots with that first untrue leak about 11 balls being at least 2 psi below normal, we didn’t mean for it to happen but we saw they were on their heels. When the media exploded with righteous and ignorant indignation during that week between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl, there was no turning back. We weren’t about ready to correct the record and then I stepped up and made it a national security issue by bringing my buddy Ted in to get to the bottom of a scandal that didn’t exist. The non-stop publicity about ball pressure was too good to pass up and ensuring duplicity is what we do best,” he said.
Goodell said as a college student he had been impressed by the rituals of the Soviet Show Trials in the 1930s. “That was amazing to get people to admit to crimes they didn’t commit. It took torture and other things but the bottom line is the Soviets proved that confession is good for the soul. That was the happy ending I wanted with Tom Brady and Patriots. Just confess, take your lumps and move on. I was shocked they didn’t comply with my clear directives and kiss the ring of the Commish,” he emphasized.
Goodell admitted even he doesn’t understand the science of natural ball deflation but said any science can be disputed and so science didn’t matter.
“Does anyone really care or understand the Ideal Gas Law? We conducted multiple focus groups and found that our deflategate crusaders wanted heroes to stand tall and villains like the Patriots to be vanquished. They didn’t care about science or facts. They wanted retribution. These findings told us that hatred of the Patriots was through the roof and that cheating must be at the heart of their continued success,” Goodell said. “I like the idea of being a hero who saved the day. We are proud to have created a conspiracy out of thin air for a violation that likely never happened to serve our customers.”
It was a challenge, Goodell explained, to get so many people outraged about something no one including the NFL had cared about previously.
“Wasn’t that a feat worthy of admiration? Heck, no one cares that the Colts were the only team to violate league rules when they had a pressure gauge on the sidelines that they used to accuse the Patriots of evil ball pressure intent. We told the Colts don’t do that again and they have given us their word they won’t. The Patriots have proven they can’t be trusted because we say so and that works for me.”
Goodell paused to consider the answer to the next question. “Here’s the important thing: We got people to be outraged over PSI while forgetting about the mess I made with the guy who beat the crap out of his fiancée. It takes a lot of talent and work to conduct a cover up in plain sight. It’s harder than you might imagine to get so many on board to obsess over the meaning of text message fragments. It was sort of like trying to figure out that how many angels on the head of a pin proposition. The bottom line is that to preserve the integrity of the NFL and me, my former best buddy Robert Kraft and his precious star quarterback had to serve as scapegoats.”
The interview was coming to a close when Goodell said the success of deflategate was due in no small part to reporters like yours truly and to legions of mainstream writers who became enthusiastic cheerleaders for the inquisition.
“Even we didn’t realize how gullible the media could be, even more than the dedicated foot soldier fans, the half-wits and pinheads who keep posting ‘cheaters and liars’ every chance they can,” Goodell said. “Though they’ve softened a bit of late, the media mob bought the Pats are guilty line from the beginning and jumped with glee when we threw Tom Brady in for good measure. In fact they happily dragged Brady’s good name through the mud and trashed his reputation on the flimsiest of evidence. We were surprised by how easy they sucked down the Wells Report like it was a free-drink Happy Hour. We couldn’t have pulled this off without them, especially with fine organizations such as the Deflate Derangement Syndrome New Service.”
Goodell paused and asked his aide for a print out of favorite deflategate media enforcers in the Boston region. “These guys rock: Felger, Mazz, Tomase, Shaughnessy, Volin, Tanguay, Borges…I’m sure I missed a few. They have our eternal gratitude. We here at the NFL admire them for their resistance to logic and common sense. They treat the Wells Report as Holy Writ and we couldn’t be happier to have them as our brothers in arms. And frankly, we could learn a thing or two from them about not letting any journalistic professionalism or basic curiosity devalue their personal vendettas.”
Goodell ended the interview by dismissing any concerns about further legal action by Brady. “I take my duties as prosecutor, judge, jury and executioner seriously and no Federal judge will dare mess with my all-powerful and all-wise judgments to protect NFL integrity. After all, as they call me at Park Avenue, I am the Commish.”
Complete story here: somuchsatire
Special to the Deflate Derangement Syndrome New Service
By Hocus Pocus
NEW YORK – In an exclusive and expansive interview, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell said it was more probable than not that he will increase the suspension penalty of Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady to a full season.
In his first interview with a suck up reporter since the scandal broke in January, Goodell said this was no time to back down. “I have an obligation to the righteous soldiers of the deflategate crusade to impose a punitive penalty on Brady so they can feel vindicated,” an animated Goodell explained. “After hearing Brady and his lawyers prattle on for hours and hours at his appeal hearing, it’s clear that four games is not enough and they should be generally aware that attacking the integrity of the NFL is attacking me. To be honest, it hurt my feelings. After careful consideration when final briefs are presented next week, I will therefore likely increase the suspension to one year. Can’t wait to see those headlines or how Tom Brady will post that on his Facebook page.”
Goodell said his idea of “new information” was to have Brady confess to all sins, real or imagined, and throw himself on the mercy of the commissioner and his loyal disciples. He said he was unimpressed with Brady’s “smug and arrogant” attempt at the appeal to hijack the deflategate story line. Goodell was disappointed that Brady didn’t take his punishment “like a man who knows he’s beat” and plans to incorporate these new developments into his enhanced punishment.
“Brady hid behind his lawyers, claimed complete innocence and dared to attack the integrity of our bogus findings,” said a clearly agitated Goodell as he recounted the marathon appeal hearing of June 23. “Those who attack the Kangaroo Court of the NFL can’t be allowed to get by on logic and facts. We have a high standard of incompetence to maintain and in this deflategate witch hunt we can’t be detoured from our ultimate goal of branding Brady and the Patriots as liars and cheaters. We must show that any semblance of NFL competence is a pipe dream.”
Goodell couldn’t contain his enthusiasm for Ted Wells and the Wells Report. “I will stand by Ted come hell or high water and against all those nerdy scientists who accuse him of sloppiness. It was the best fake independent and totally not thorough investigation that $5 million could buy. It contains the best in junk science to fit our predetermined conclusions and I am particularly grateful for the hilarious suppositions that Ted Wells planted with what can only be called a genius touch. It was like he read our minds and he can connect non existing dots with gusto! I mean I still laugh how he created such buzz with that ‘deflator’ text. If that doesn’t confirm guilt, what does? And what can you say about ‘generally aware’? I mean that was so creative on Ted’s part.”
A PR flak early in his NFL career, Goodell admitted that Wells went above and beyond the call of highly paid duty to help the NFL seize the public relations high ground. “It was his idea to stick it to the Patriots and tell them the actual ball pressure readings in March while forcing them to sign a non-disclosure agreement. From a PR perspective, we couldn’t have that information out to cloud public perceptions that this might have been a molehill after all,” he said.
Goodell said that Wells proved his $5 million worth by making an ironclad case for the NFL. “All we needed was a couple of team clowns who couldn’t help themselves while texting, and Ted Wells to his credit created a conspiracy where none existed for a crime against integrity that we couldn’t prove,” Goodell said with a big smile. “It takes a lot to railroad a team and its star player so when you merge so much ambiguity with sinister intent, the sky’s the limit. When Brady dared to defy our request for his cell phone, we accused him of hiding behind a dubious constitutional right. We made it clear that we only wanted to leak the top 5 most embarrassing texts between him and his wife.”
Goodell said he plans to ask for a modest pay hike to $50 million annually from NFL owners for his deft handling of deflategate. “When I use the term ‘integrity of the game’ I want people to think of Richard Nixon saying he wasn’t a crook. Technically, he wasn’t because he was pardoned. We didn’t start out to on this path but providence offered us an opportunity when my scheming adviser Mike Kensil decided that the Patriots were guilty of something – or if not that, then for being generally annoying,” he said. “That Bill Belichick has been a thorn in our side for years and I know he thinks I’m a moron. He thinks he knows it all but we showed him what payback really is.”
Goodell said that the lead up to releasing the Wells Report in early May was critical. He complimented his NFL office disciples for taking “modern media inquisition techniques to a proud new level” and proven that facts can only be defined by the NFL.
“After we tarred and feathered the Patriots with that first untrue leak about 11 balls being at least 2 psi below normal, we didn’t mean for it to happen but we saw they were on their heels. When the media exploded with righteous and ignorant indignation during that week between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl, there was no turning back. We weren’t about ready to correct the record and then I stepped up and made it a national security issue by bringing my buddy Ted in to get to the bottom of a scandal that didn’t exist. The non-stop publicity about ball pressure was too good to pass up and ensuring duplicity is what we do best,” he said.
Goodell said as a college student he had been impressed by the rituals of the Soviet Show Trials in the 1930s. “That was amazing to get people to admit to crimes they didn’t commit. It took torture and other things but the bottom line is the Soviets proved that confession is good for the soul. That was the happy ending I wanted with Tom Brady and Patriots. Just confess, take your lumps and move on. I was shocked they didn’t comply with my clear directives and kiss the ring of the Commish,” he emphasized.
Goodell admitted even he doesn’t understand the science of natural ball deflation but said any science can be disputed and so science didn’t matter.
“Does anyone really care or understand the Ideal Gas Law? We conducted multiple focus groups and found that our deflategate crusaders wanted heroes to stand tall and villains like the Patriots to be vanquished. They didn’t care about science or facts. They wanted retribution. These findings told us that hatred of the Patriots was through the roof and that cheating must be at the heart of their continued success,” Goodell said. “I like the idea of being a hero who saved the day. We are proud to have created a conspiracy out of thin air for a violation that likely never happened to serve our customers.”
It was a challenge, Goodell explained, to get so many people outraged about something no one including the NFL had cared about previously.
“Wasn’t that a feat worthy of admiration? Heck, no one cares that the Colts were the only team to violate league rules when they had a pressure gauge on the sidelines that they used to accuse the Patriots of evil ball pressure intent. We told the Colts don’t do that again and they have given us their word they won’t. The Patriots have proven they can’t be trusted because we say so and that works for me.”
Goodell paused to consider the answer to the next question. “Here’s the important thing: We got people to be outraged over PSI while forgetting about the mess I made with the guy who beat the crap out of his fiancée. It takes a lot of talent and work to conduct a cover up in plain sight. It’s harder than you might imagine to get so many on board to obsess over the meaning of text message fragments. It was sort of like trying to figure out that how many angels on the head of a pin proposition. The bottom line is that to preserve the integrity of the NFL and me, my former best buddy Robert Kraft and his precious star quarterback had to serve as scapegoats.”
The interview was coming to a close when Goodell said the success of deflategate was due in no small part to reporters like yours truly and to legions of mainstream writers who became enthusiastic cheerleaders for the inquisition.
“Even we didn’t realize how gullible the media could be, even more than the dedicated foot soldier fans, the half-wits and pinheads who keep posting ‘cheaters and liars’ every chance they can,” Goodell said. “Though they’ve softened a bit of late, the media mob bought the Pats are guilty line from the beginning and jumped with glee when we threw Tom Brady in for good measure. In fact they happily dragged Brady’s good name through the mud and trashed his reputation on the flimsiest of evidence. We were surprised by how easy they sucked down the Wells Report like it was a free-drink Happy Hour. We couldn’t have pulled this off without them, especially with fine organizations such as the Deflate Derangement Syndrome New Service.”
Goodell paused and asked his aide for a print out of favorite deflategate media enforcers in the Boston region. “These guys rock: Felger, Mazz, Tomase, Shaughnessy, Volin, Tanguay, Borges…I’m sure I missed a few. They have our eternal gratitude. We here at the NFL admire them for their resistance to logic and common sense. They treat the Wells Report as Holy Writ and we couldn’t be happier to have them as our brothers in arms. And frankly, we could learn a thing or two from them about not letting any journalistic professionalism or basic curiosity devalue their personal vendettas.”
Goodell ended the interview by dismissing any concerns about further legal action by Brady. “I take my duties as prosecutor, judge, jury and executioner seriously and no Federal judge will dare mess with my all-powerful and all-wise judgments to protect NFL integrity. After all, as they call me at Park Avenue, I am the Commish.”
Complete story here: somuchsatire
