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forty_three
It’s Raining Falafel
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Chicago Blackhawks - The Hawks had a decent year last year, despite selling off players to meet the salary cap, . They decided to do it again, and the frenzy got so heated that at one point they mistakenly sell Patrick Kane to the Bears, Jamal Mayers to "NASA" and two hot dog vendors to Chile. They get full refunds for all, and realize they were way under the cap. A situation they remedy by claiming Ray Emery's traffic lawyers as player salary. This takes them dangerously close to the cap so they cut Carcillo's salary in half to be safe. A move he responds to with a "Huh? Kronk no like fire". In another revenue generating move they give Duncan Keith a guitar, tell him to go to malls and randomly strum the guitar while repeating "I am barely breathing".
In unrelated news, Jonathon Toews is given Barack Obama's hotly contested and still vacant Senate Seat. And the skybox at Center Ice is renamed "The Blagoevich Barn".
Columbus Blue Jackets - They have a magical season in every way. Rick Nash adds "Supernatural" to his list of adjectives when, in game nine of the season, he scores just by skating through the neutral zone. One second, the puck is on his stick, the next Luongo is left scratching his Jeri-curl. Amazing. Antione Vermette TWICE ties Daryl Sittler record for goals in a game, and before the all-star break, too. Derrick Brassard, having discovered pain medicine and excercise, stays healthy and scores at a 2 goals a game pace. Steve Mason, having finally hit puberty, eclipses all the marks set his rookie year. Suprise Norris winner, James Wisniewski recovers from his early season 32 game suspension (for "smelling funny") to finish +104. Rookie Ryan Johanson lives up to the "next Jason Spezza" accolades in every way except "sleeps in between periods" and "creepy laughs".
Newcomer Jeff Carter, Hart trophy winner, sums up the feeling in the locker room "Shit, I'm just glad I'm not in Edmonton". A sentiment he backs up with a 13 goal performance against Philly that included a moment where he fired pucks into the owner's box from center ice for 8 minutes straight.
By all accounts, it is the most epic season ever, totally one to remember. If only any of the locals, outside of noted hockey humorist 43, had noticed. Everyone else was occupied with near suicidal anguish over who is starting, Joe Bauserman or Tony Braxton.
Embarrassing moment: When local sports radio guy interviewing Wisniewski about his suspension, ask "Where did you even GET a Rose Bowl ring?"
Detroit Red Wings - All the promise of a season where the average age of the team dips below 45 for the first time since, well, since Chris Chelios was born, is crushed when Detroit's mayor mistakes Joe Lewis for the Ford Plant and bulldozes it to make green space.
Despite this setback, the season is saved when former Red Wing Darren McCarty shoplifts the Olympia from the warehouse of the Hardcore Pawn store, where it had been sitting since Illytch traded it for three gold Teefs and an Eminem CD. This meant the Wings could stop playing in the family room of former GM Chairman Bob Lutz, who had converted it to an ice surface after being told he would have to give the bailout money back unless he could prove it was gone.
The early season speculation that Brendan Shanahan is going to go easy on Red Wings players, in the midst of his all out drunken orgy of power and self promotion, are put sharply to rest when he suspends Justin Abdelkader five games (of cribbage at family day) for driving his stick through the eye of Daniel Carcillo and then takes the extraordinary step of sending Darren Helm to bed "without dinner" after he shoots and kills 3 members of the Phoenix Coyotes. Shanahan noted that "Although it is called a shootout, it was reckless - even if he was provoked". Then he broke into a rousing cover "Ob-la-di Ob-la-da" with Beyonce and Jay-Z in the extended re-mix version of the video that included an exciting moment where Robbie Keneivel jumped Mike Commodore's afro. Shanahan is annouced as the host for the Emmys, Oscars and Jerry's kids telethon.
Nashville Predators - The team has a fantastic season despite the fact that they play in a city that smells of Raw Sewage and Desperation. They are still riding the high on the acquisition at the deadline of Mike Fisher, and more importantly his wife - she spends a lot of time in rink-side seats cheering on her hubby. This increases attendance and long range camera lens sales because it's cold that close to the ice, if you catch my drift.
Other than that, it's the Predators. So, meh.
Notable item - Ovechkin DESPERATELY wants the Caps to trade for Rinne.
St. Louis Blues - The Blues front office is shut down for two days while crews look for laughing gas leaks when it becomes apparent that Blues management is just trying to field a team with the most ridiculous names possible. They have Cheechoo, Rattie, Nesbitt, Cracknell, Beukeboom, Oshie, Colaiacavo, Crombeen, Cundari, Jackman, Nikitin, Halak, Della Rovere, Sobotka, and Shattenkirk. No such leak is found, Management is just that stupid.
The strangest and yet somewhat hilarious event of the year when rival groups show up the same night to protest the Blues Mascot, "Louie" the polar bear. The first group, PETA brings a real live Polar Bear onto the ice and releases it during "When the Saints go marching in" scaring the poor college kid in the costume and for a brief time making "Louie" a blue AND BROWN Polar Bear. The Second Group WTFIAPBDAAMFTBA (What the fuck is a polar bear doing as a mascot for the Blues anyway) begin throwing BBQ Pork Steak at the PETA protesters. This triggers a gruesome event where Brett Hull, in town for a ceremony, eats everyone including both Polar Bears.
Worst moment of the season: When Wayne Simmonds of the Flyers scores to tie the shootout leaving Anthony Nigro to try and win it for the Blues. It was okay, until the Blues crowd started chanting...
Chicago Blackhawks - The Hawks had a decent year last year, despite selling off players to meet the salary cap, . They decided to do it again, and the frenzy got so heated that at one point they mistakenly sell Patrick Kane to the Bears, Jamal Mayers to "NASA" and two hot dog vendors to Chile. They get full refunds for all, and realize they were way under the cap. A situation they remedy by claiming Ray Emery's traffic lawyers as player salary. This takes them dangerously close to the cap so they cut Carcillo's salary in half to be safe. A move he responds to with a "Huh? Kronk no like fire". In another revenue generating move they give Duncan Keith a guitar, tell him to go to malls and randomly strum the guitar while repeating "I am barely breathing".
In unrelated news, Jonathon Toews is given Barack Obama's hotly contested and still vacant Senate Seat. And the skybox at Center Ice is renamed "The Blagoevich Barn".
Columbus Blue Jackets - They have a magical season in every way. Rick Nash adds "Supernatural" to his list of adjectives when, in game nine of the season, he scores just by skating through the neutral zone. One second, the puck is on his stick, the next Luongo is left scratching his Jeri-curl. Amazing. Antione Vermette TWICE ties Daryl Sittler record for goals in a game, and before the all-star break, too. Derrick Brassard, having discovered pain medicine and excercise, stays healthy and scores at a 2 goals a game pace. Steve Mason, having finally hit puberty, eclipses all the marks set his rookie year. Suprise Norris winner, James Wisniewski recovers from his early season 32 game suspension (for "smelling funny") to finish +104. Rookie Ryan Johanson lives up to the "next Jason Spezza" accolades in every way except "sleeps in between periods" and "creepy laughs".
Newcomer Jeff Carter, Hart trophy winner, sums up the feeling in the locker room "Shit, I'm just glad I'm not in Edmonton". A sentiment he backs up with a 13 goal performance against Philly that included a moment where he fired pucks into the owner's box from center ice for 8 minutes straight.
By all accounts, it is the most epic season ever, totally one to remember. If only any of the locals, outside of noted hockey humorist 43, had noticed. Everyone else was occupied with near suicidal anguish over who is starting, Joe Bauserman or Tony Braxton.
Embarrassing moment: When local sports radio guy interviewing Wisniewski about his suspension, ask "Where did you even GET a Rose Bowl ring?"
Detroit Red Wings - All the promise of a season where the average age of the team dips below 45 for the first time since, well, since Chris Chelios was born, is crushed when Detroit's mayor mistakes Joe Lewis for the Ford Plant and bulldozes it to make green space.
Despite this setback, the season is saved when former Red Wing Darren McCarty shoplifts the Olympia from the warehouse of the Hardcore Pawn store, where it had been sitting since Illytch traded it for three gold Teefs and an Eminem CD. This meant the Wings could stop playing in the family room of former GM Chairman Bob Lutz, who had converted it to an ice surface after being told he would have to give the bailout money back unless he could prove it was gone.
The early season speculation that Brendan Shanahan is going to go easy on Red Wings players, in the midst of his all out drunken orgy of power and self promotion, are put sharply to rest when he suspends Justin Abdelkader five games (of cribbage at family day) for driving his stick through the eye of Daniel Carcillo and then takes the extraordinary step of sending Darren Helm to bed "without dinner" after he shoots and kills 3 members of the Phoenix Coyotes. Shanahan noted that "Although it is called a shootout, it was reckless - even if he was provoked". Then he broke into a rousing cover "Ob-la-di Ob-la-da" with Beyonce and Jay-Z in the extended re-mix version of the video that included an exciting moment where Robbie Keneivel jumped Mike Commodore's afro. Shanahan is annouced as the host for the Emmys, Oscars and Jerry's kids telethon.
Nashville Predators - The team has a fantastic season despite the fact that they play in a city that smells of Raw Sewage and Desperation. They are still riding the high on the acquisition at the deadline of Mike Fisher, and more importantly his wife - she spends a lot of time in rink-side seats cheering on her hubby. This increases attendance and long range camera lens sales because it's cold that close to the ice, if you catch my drift.
Other than that, it's the Predators. So, meh.
Notable item - Ovechkin DESPERATELY wants the Caps to trade for Rinne.
St. Louis Blues - The Blues front office is shut down for two days while crews look for laughing gas leaks when it becomes apparent that Blues management is just trying to field a team with the most ridiculous names possible. They have Cheechoo, Rattie, Nesbitt, Cracknell, Beukeboom, Oshie, Colaiacavo, Crombeen, Cundari, Jackman, Nikitin, Halak, Della Rovere, Sobotka, and Shattenkirk. No such leak is found, Management is just that stupid.
The strangest and yet somewhat hilarious event of the year when rival groups show up the same night to protest the Blues Mascot, "Louie" the polar bear. The first group, PETA brings a real live Polar Bear onto the ice and releases it during "When the Saints go marching in" scaring the poor college kid in the costume and for a brief time making "Louie" a blue AND BROWN Polar Bear. The Second Group WTFIAPBDAAMFTBA (What the fuck is a polar bear doing as a mascot for the Blues anyway) begin throwing BBQ Pork Steak at the PETA protesters. This triggers a gruesome event where Brett Hull, in town for a ceremony, eats everyone including both Polar Bears.
Worst moment of the season: When Wayne Simmonds of the Flyers scores to tie the shootout leaving Anthony Nigro to try and win it for the Blues. It was okay, until the Blues crowd started chanting...
