Move Panthers home opener to Orlando

[elocomotive]

(side note – they found over 900 cans of tomato soup in one of the paramedic’s apartment when they cleaned it out. All different brands but all plain tomato soup

I lost it at this line. Hope this story continues for a long time. With Buttons' cunning, I have little doubt it will.

I know who I'm rooting for. #TeamButtons

 

[dash]

Will Buttons get into the crackers 'cause you know there has to be crackers with all those cans of tomato soup?

 

[elocomotive]

Will Buttons get into the crackers 'cause you know there has to be crackers with all those cans of tomato soup?

 

[Comeds]

I hid in Kevin’s yard watching him through the kitchen window. He was dressed like an elderly woman, and not half bad looking. After a while I saw something in the bushes, it was a box. I edged closer expecting a trap but saw it was a full milk crate of Oui magazines! Jackpot baby! (pre-internet goldmine!)I reached in to grab one and it was just the cover. And it was wet. And it smelled of dog urine! Oh no! I ran into Kevin’s kitchen but it was too late. He was torn apart. And sticking out of Kevin’s neck right below his grey wig was my A-Team BA Baracus buck knife. Buttons was setting me up!

 

[Comeds]

As I stood there watching Kevin’s body grow cold and the sirens move closer I thought about the first time I saw Buttons….

A year before in the dying days of summer Kevin, his two sisters,* and I were playing spin the bottle in some woods by the side of baseball fields when we heard a commotion from across the field. We saw a dog, later to be known as Buttons, running across the field with a helicopter flying behind it. The helicopter looked to be from the Delaware National Guard. As Buttons got near some kids the pilot of the helicopter landed, got out and started waving his gun and yelling stuff. It seemed to be some kind of warning but we couldn’t understand him because of the Maryland Delaware language barrier. He started firing at the dog which was near some kids and - well in Baltimore that is one bad idea. About 30 kids pulled out guns and soon the pilot was riddled with bullets**. Then soon everyone was petting the dog and someone wanted to get it a dish of milk.

I was awoken from my memories by the flashing lights of the police….



*Oxford comma

**we moved his body to the Portuguese part of town

 

[Nasty_Magician]

Oddly enough I thought of the Buttons saga on my way to work this morning. Today was a good day.

 

[Comeds]

So I did what anyone would do, I dropped the knife, made and ate a sandwich, then climbed out the window and made my escape just before the police arrived*. I drifted from town to town for a few years mostly working the town fair circuit under the name Plywood Weaver. I got pretty good at guessing people’s weight so I made a comfortable living. Eventually my nose was broken too many times so I had to quit**.

I knew Buttons was not young, so after 10 years I figured he would be deceased and I would be safe – some banker took the hit for the murder- so I packed up my stuff, said goodbye to the bearded lady I was living with, and began my journey home.









*911 was not a joke in my town

**Whenever there was a pretty girl who was a bitch asking for a weight guess I’d start at 180lbs, then as her and usually her boyfriend got madder and madder I’d keep upping my guess. Usually around 280 the fists would come. Worth it.

 

[Comeds]

A long long time ago.....

It was a normal night when my friend (and horse racing guru) Jones Falls came to see me with an idea. A normal night almost 16 years ago and at the same time only a week ago. I turned off Naked And Afraid, pulled up my pants, and let him in.

Jones fancied himself an inventor. Besides a self-tying tie that kind of worked (RIP Jason) I never saw any of his inventions. Wild-eyed he told me he had gotten his time machine to work. I laughed that off. He pointed to a device on his arm and said that was it. Jones said the time was right to fix one of the great crimes of the 20th century and he wanted me to help him.

"American Pie?" I asked.

"American Pie," he answered. "We are going to stop American Pie from ever being recorded and unleashed upon the ears of us all".

He warned me that we had to be careful not to screw anything up and that his device only had power for a few trips, but not to worry. As long as nothing happened to him he could recharge it when we got back. Besides, we had to right this great wrong.

Before I could say anything he grabbed my wrist and there was a large flash of light and we were gone. Naked And Afraid played on for an audience of none.

 

[Comeds]

Bad news on the doorstep

The time machine worked! We were back in 1946! May 1946. Jones said we had to make one stop before we began our mission. We went to Pimlico to see Assault win the Preakness on his way to the triple crown. I never saw a horse so proud. And down to earth, acted just like a regular horse. Plus 10 cent drinks! We also wagered a healthy sum and financed the rest of our trip.

Then we began our drive north to New Rochelle, New York where the plan was, and I am not proud of this, to kill the baby Don McLean. We began our journey stopping along the way at attractions. A giant ball of copper wire! The largest gallstone ever! America was full of optimism; the war had ended and people were enjoying themselves again. In Atlantic City I had fresh salt water taffy and lost a game of chess to a French Bulldog.

Everyone was so nice, well to me at least. Even the mobsters who roughed me up were pretty cool guys. For a bunch of really happy well to do people, they were really really open about their racism though.

Finally we made it the New Rochelle and our objective. But it was not as easy as we thought. Apparently others had the same idea and had attempted the same thing. Security was insane. There were armored cars, and tanks, and jeeps, and rigs of every size. Some guys who told us they were also from the future, and I believe them because they wore white track suits with weird lighted stripes, told us our goal was impossible. I told Jones we needed another way.

Jones got an odd look in his eyes, told me he had to try, shook my hand, and ran toward the McLean house. He barely got to the yard when he was cut down by gunshots. The future guys were gone, I turned and ran as fast as I could. It was not until minutes later that I realized Jones had pressed the time machine watch into my hand.

I needed to find another way, but I had my way back....

 

[jstewismybastardson]

If hockey can work in vegas it can work in orlando ... im currently drunk in orlando

 

[jstewismybastardson]

My wife and i bought 2 1.75 litre bottles of sangria from costco for $6.99 each and the staff at the hotel pool bar was startin to wonder why i kept going back for full cups of ice

 

[Comeds]

Now, for ten years we've been on our own

Older, so much older, I wandered on the outskirts of the Mason City Municipal Airport. It was February 3rd 1959 and the groundhog had seen its shadow the previous day. And I was there to try to stop the event that inspired the song, American Pie, maybe that would work. Whatever it takes.

I had quietly passed the last 13 years waiting until this day. Well kind of quietly. Initially I tried to find decent jobs but my skill set lent itself to jobs in the '50s even worse than in 2018. I worked in a gas station until I was asked to look under the hood to see what was wrong. I was a milkman for a while but the manual clutches on trucks in the 50s were terrible. Plus I was not getting nearly the amount of action doing that job that magazines I grew up with led me to believe.

I eventually worked my way to Mason City Iowa. I figured that was my eventual destination anyway, and a nice quiet place to settle down and to lay low. It was there using jokes I stole from comedians I grew up watching (technically is it stealing if they had not been written yet?) I started to get some hosting jobs. Local dances, and things like that.

I eventually got a job as a host of a local TV show using the stage name Richie Cunningham. Soon I was the host of Good Morning Mason - a job I held (and loved) until a hot mic picked up a comment I made about the size of the melons some teen female 4-H members were showing off. But I digress.

I was waiting until that fateful night, hoping to prevent an accident that unleashed hell - I would try to make sure the music did not die, at least not this day. I was also hoping the power source in Jones' device was still working.

 

[Comeds]

The courtroom was adjourned, no verdict was returned

I had to stop this plane. I saw Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and The Big Bopper hanging around waiting for the pilot. I saw Waylon and a couple of others wander off. Now was my time.

I got into the Beechcraft Bonanza plane and started busting stuff up. I do not know much about airplanes so its all I knew to do. I did something and the prop started, the dash started smoking so I figured my work was done. I could make my getaway, and I almost did.

Buddy Holly saw me leaving the plane and he was angry, really angry. I motioned we should move away from the plane but he took off his shirt (and it was really cold) and motioned that he wanted to fight. I backed up a bit and laughed until the first punches knocked me to the ground. He was fast and hit hard! He was yelling stuff at me but with his heavy Texas accent it might as well have been German. I started to get up again and he hit me knocking me into the wood block that kept the plane from moving. Every time I got up he quickly knocked me to the ground, I mean I knew he was tough but not this tough. He stood over me daring me to get up as the plane's propeller got close and closer.

"I always hated you Richie Cunningham!", he yelled, "and Good Morning Mason sucks!". He was so focused on me that the propeller got to close and began....

Nah, just kidding. I wandered into their group and said the weather was really bad and they should take the bus. They all nodded and said that made sense and loaded up their bus and drove away.

I pulled out the time machine, set it to the present day, hoped this would work, hoped nothing else would inspire Donny, shut my eyes, and hit the button.