OT: I Think This Guy Wants to Murder Me

[quoipourquoi]

I fell asleep around 3:30am last night while reading Bret Easton Ellis' Imperial Bedrooms, as I am apt to do after a long day of law school, only to be woken up less than four hours later by a text from 1586***1309. It read:

Lose my number,
and if you contact leesha or sarah again
im coming for you motherfucker​

Now... here's the thing... as a single man who likes to drink Jagermeister, it is entirely possible that I have at one point made contact with a "Leesha" or a "Sarah," and not for the purposes of discussing the merits of Bob Froese's 1986 Regular Season, if you catch my drift (I'm talking about the sex).

​

Off the top of my head, I know "Sarah the Middle School Teacher," "Sarah the Gynecologist's Assistant," "Sarah the Slumpbuster," "Sarah the Walking Electra Complex," and "Sarah the Sister of my Best Friend."

That last one stays between us, SportsHoopla.

But despite all of these Sarahs, I don't know any particular "Sarah" in conjunction with a "Leesha." It's not like I'm pulling a Fredo and banging them two at a time; show me a guy who claims to have had a threesome, and I'll show you a liar (or a no-good cocksucking son of a bitch bastard who better PM me the details, because I have trouble enough with the first clitoris).

And while I appreciate that he (or she) was kind enough to provide me with the requisite evidence of intent for my family's seemingly inevitable Wrongful Death civil case after I get beaten to death, I don't know what to say to 1586***1309.


Do I tell him that I may have crossed the line with his women and apologize?

Do I ask him who "Leesha" and "Sarah" are?

Do I tell him that I did it, and he needs to teach his bitches some new tricks, "cause they be lyin' there like a dead fish. Sheeeit."

​

Do I not respond at all?

Do I text him in the middle of the night and threaten him back?

Do I post his full number on the Philadelphia Flyers' board and have them do whatever comes natural?

The only picture of a Flyers fan not used as an exhibit in a criminal case​

In the event that they find my body out in Eddie_Shack country, I ask that I receive an Antarctic penguin burial. Just dress me up in a penguin costume (an Iceburgh costume will suffice) and leave me there; the penguins will take care of the rest.

 

[evolver115]

I'd hand that number over to the flyers fans. They'll know what to do :phone:

 

[elocomotive]

POTY nominee.

I'd text back and ask if he has the wrong number b/c you don't know a Leesha. Largely for our entertainment so you can post any response. But also to try to both quell the situation a little and find out exactly who it is you are supposed to stay away from so you can assess if the ass is worth it or not. I'm guessing your life is worth staying away from the Slumpbuster, but the middle school teacher, well, it might be worth it.

 

[quoipourquoi]

POTY nominee.

I'd text back and ask if he has the wrong number b/c you don't know a Leesha. Largely for our entertainment so you can post any response. But also to try to both quell the situation a little and find out exactly who it is you are supposed to stay away from so you can assess if the ass is worth it or not. I'm guessing your life is worth staying away from the Slumpbuster, but the middle school teacher, well, it might be worth it.

I'm assuming it wasn't the Gynecologist's Assistant, because I was pretty devastated that she didn't call back - though she was with another woman that night whose name I cannot remember.

As for whether or not the ass is worth it, if I haven't already gotten it, I will make it my mission in life to fuck these two women and text him the pictures.

 

[quoipourquoi]

That's pretty fucked up. I'm sure you could get the police involved in this, since he threatened you, and all.

This sort of thing has to be solved on the mean streets of Auburn Hills, MI. Gotta represent the 48326. :p

 

[evolver115]

This sort of thing has to be solved on the mean streets of Auburn Hills, MI. Gotta represent the 48326. :p

FucK! I deleted my own post... anywho... that 586 area code shows up as Macomb county, MI. Any of those chicks live up that way?

 

[higgyfan4]

This sort of thing has to be solved on the mean streets of Auburn Hills, MI. Gotta represent the 48326. :p

Boy, you really live in da hood, don't ya?

 

[SLY]

I'm assuming it wasn't the Gynecologist's Assistant, because I was pretty devastated that she didn't call back - though she was with another woman that night whose name I cannot remember.

As for whether or not the ass is worth it, if I haven't already gotten it, I will make it my mission in life to fuck these two women and text him the pictures.

Such a fucking awesome movie...

 

[quoipourquoi]

Boy, you really live in da hood, don't ya?

Yeah, it's tough out here with all these coffeeshop gangs.

FucK! I deleted my own post... anywho... that 586 area code shows up as Macomb county, MI. Any of those chicks live up that way?

Most of them, I imagine. I, myself, am a 586, which is why I assumed at first that it was just a friend with a new number. A quick Google search earlier in the morning proved mostly fruitless - save for a MySpace hit. As of 10 months ago, it belonged to a Brittany.

 

[SLY]

If I were you, I would definitely play along with this and really piss who ever that is off. But thats me.

 

[Forty_Sixand2]

I thought you were a chick!!!!

The SportsHoopla hockey board needs to quit fucking with me.....

 

[SLY]

I did for a while, but I've known quoi is a dude for a while now.

 

[Automattic]

Want to give him the address to my farm? I should have a new 12 gauge before the end of the month to try out. Possibly a 410 pistol that shoots .45's as well. At any rate, one of the reasons I moved out in the country is because nobody can hear....anything.

 

[evolver115]

Yeah, it's tough out here with all these coffeeshop gangs.




Most of them, I imagine. I, myself, am a 586, which is why I assumed at first that it was just a friend with a new number. A quick Google search earlier in the morning proved mostly fruitless - save for a MySpace hit. As of 10 months ago, it belonged to a Brittany.

hmm... incensed dyke that's pissed off you are moving in on her territory, perhaps? Or a dude with a very unfortunate first name?

That seems unlikely. Funny that he/she leads off with, "lose my number". in one sense, you could suppose that the phone number actually belongs to the real person, but in the same sense, who would be that stupid to threaten someone through an easily traced phone number?

 

[quoipourquoi]

If I were you, I would definitely play along with this and really piss who ever that is off. But thats me.

I'm still a little hesitant, just in case he has me mistaken for someone else. God forbid I antagonize him, and he kicks someone else's ass!

 

[SLY]

I'm still a little hesitant, just in case he has me mistaken for someone else. God forbid I antagonize him, and he kicks someone else's ass!

I'm an asshole, I find that humorous.

 

[Forty_Sixand2]

Write back something totally random....like.....


"Did I mention that I was lactose intolerant???"

 

[SLY]

Write back something totally random....like.....


"Did I mention that I was lactose intolerant???"

lmfbo! That is pretty random, not sure why, but I am still laughing.

 

[quoipourquoi]

hmm... incensed dyke that's pissed off you are moving in on her territory, perhaps? Or a dude with a very unfortunate first name?

I haven't been to Club 9 in Ferndale in two years, so I don't think it's a lesbian.

That seems unlikely. Funny that he/she leads off with, "lose my number". in one sense, you could suppose that the phone number actually belongs to the real person, but in the same sense, who would be that stupid to threaten someone through an easily traced phone number?

Yeah, I'm guessing it's their real number, and they just don't want a response from me.

 

[quoipourquoi]

Want to give him the address to my farm? I should have a new 12 gauge before the end of the month to try out. Possibly a 410 pistol that shoots .45's as well. At any rate, one of the reasons I moved out in the country is because nobody can hear....anything.

Ha!

I could totally setup an ambush at a local bar though. I could just text him something like "Meet me at Penny Black; we have to talk about Leesha."