Eleven Twelve Predictions - Da East

[forty_three]

Southeast:
Winnebago Jets - The inaugural season for the once proud also-rans is met with fan excitement unmatched since the season premiere of "Dexter". The city is energized, especially the cartel running the "Boating and Food" industry. The strong history of Jets hockey is in the forefront of everyone's mind, and is underscored by the moment when Bobby Hull allows Evander Kane to wear his previously retired #9. "I like the kid" Hull would say. "And I hope he has as great a bank account as I did while I played out the string there".

In a related note, another poignant moment comes when Laurie Boschman agrees to allow Johnny Oduya to wear the previously retired "Pizza Napkin". So the History of the franchise is alive and well off the ice. Unfortunately, on the ice they are still just the Atlanta Thrashers. And despite being allowed to stay in the East, they finish the season with 11 wins and Dustin Byfuglien finishes the season an astonishing - 148.

Toughest moment - Brendan Shanahan hastily suspends Dale Hawerchuk 11 games for failing to kiss a baby at a press event.

Carolina Hurricanes - The whole state of Carolina is aflutter with talk of Cam and his greatness. Parents are naming their children (boys and girls) Cam and all the women (and some of the men, mostly them fruity Yanks) are throwing themselves at their diety's feet. Unfortunately, NONE of this has anything to do with the Hurricanes, and instead some football team that plays in town. The team sets new records for dismal attendance every game except when the Sabres come to town.

There is a pretty good season to be had on the ice, the goal tending tandem of Newton Ward and Bobby Boucher is pretty effective and with the loss of Eric Cole, the Canes forwards find themselves able to skate past the opposing blue line without having to wait for Colesy to catch up. The only low spot is Tomas Kaberle who plays so bad fans long for Joe Corvo to come back.

Best Strategy; the family affair vibe. They have Two Sutters and Two Staals. Owner Peter Karmanos decides this works and goes out of his way to get more family members playing. Problem is he thinks Derek is Mathieu Roy's brother and also picks up Jarkko Ruutu despite Chad Larose's multiple attempts to convince him that Anton Volvhenkov's real name is Ruutu.


Florida Whatchamajiggers - You've all seen the commercial for the Undefeated Season that aired last season. Well, in a sense the Panthers start towards that kind of history. By November, there are murmers of it happening and by February, it is becoming real. The rare UnVictorious season. The prospect is only ruined when, on the last day of the season, they beat the Buffalo Sabres on two fluke goals, nearly eliminating the Sabres from playoffs competition.

Who are we kidding? It's the effing Panthers. They exist only to give opposing teams a place to play golf in January.

Defining moment - That Rocco guy successfully got South Florida women to bare their breasts at games, but these are south Florida breasts. Old, siliconed, spray tanned South Florida breasts. Don't even let that image get into your head. I mean it.

I hope you're happy. I warned you.


Tampa Bay Devifish - Tampa starts the season on a high note as most of a very talented core returns. Vincent the Cavalier and Martin Saint of Louise lead the team in every way, and ageless goalie Dwayne Roloson comes out of the gate hot. New addition Mattias Ohlund pays immediate dividends, so much so that no one notices his defense partner is Ricky Gervais. They lead their division by 10 points at Christmas and everything seems perfect.

It all comes crashing down when Steven Stamkos, frustrated with the lack of coverage he gets despite an astonishing 61 goals at the all star break, decides he must be more like Sidney Crosby in order to get press coverage. He gets collagen injections in his lips and has Alexandre Picard (not that one, the other one) bash him repeatedly in the head with a brick. The team starts to crumble and some players start to just "Mail it in". For example, Ryan Malone is heavily criticized for taking a shift off after a puck enters his mouth and exits the back of his head causing him to stumble through the zamboni door where he is promptly run over and spit out in four distinctly different pieces. "I knew I should have gone back in" he would later say. "I'm sorry, I just... have no excuse."

Defining moment: Steve Yzerman, while shopping at Publix is recognized. By someone who DOESN'T work for the team.


Washington Capitols - The season starts like every season does - with the Marathon "Craig Laughlin nickname creation meeting". This meeting has historically produced some of the legendary nicknames like "Big" Al Iafrate, Dale "Huntsie" Hunter and the official UN approved pronunciation of "Syl-VAN CO-tay". Towards the end of last season, "Locker" expressed concern over the fact that some of the "hep cats" on the "interwebs" pointed out that despite the fact that Varlamov was traded, the Caps still had a guy whose name could, if you were willing to make that leap, be mistaken for the term for male reproductive fluid. Word got to the "Locker" room (So named as a tribute to the mulleted buffoon), and Semin was so moved by what his name meant in English, but he embraced it and demanded everyone call him "Spooge".

Having finally mastered the English Language, Team Captain Alexander Ovechkin got ahold of Laughlin's copy of the media guide and changed a few names.

The team came to camp in great shape. Defensive stalwarts Dyke Green and Tom Booti came to camp firing on all cylinders. Niklas Backdoor and Jay Beaver provided formidable punch down the middle. Strapon Chimera looks to benefit from a full season with the club, and the big contract he got. Mike Knipples is as steady as ever. D man John Foreskin improves every year. And with the key piece of the puzzle was scoring goaltender Tomas Vulva. Owner Ted Lingus is pleased as can be, and extends Coach Boobshow's contract for 8 years.

Funeral Services for Craig Laughlin and Joe Analnati, who were tragically killed when Laughlin's head exploded during a preseason game, will be held at the MCI Center, or whatever the hell it's called now.

 

[forty_three]

Atlantic:
New Jersey Devils - They look to build on a season where expectations were so high. I mean it was just supposed to not be fair. First, you take a perennial contender who has the best goalie on earth. Then, you give them a guy who eats shots like Brooks Robinson ate grounders heading for the corner. I mean it's not like the team even needs to score goals, but THEN they get a guy who can do that, ridiculously well for a bargain basement price. The expectations were there last year; Martin Brodeur shoulda won another Vezina. Kovalchuk shoulda won the scoring title. Louie Lams shoulda replaced 9 coaches. But it fell apart. NOT THIS YEAR.

Marty gets that Vezina while making 27 saves. And that's not an average, he only sees 29 shots all season. Yes, two got by. One, from Kovalchuk who was bored against the Sabres and another because Marty's new girlfriend, that Kate person with all the kids, started beating up a cameraman who was not focused on her, and Marty got distracted. Travis "Pat" Zajac has a breakout year, both in terms of points and Bitchin' sideburn/mustache combos.



New York Islanders - Just... Fuck. Drink, Isles fan. It will numb the pain.


New York Rangers - Screw the Rang-Ers *clap*clap*clapclapclap*

The only thing even remotely interesting in the Fonzie coached bunch of lazy twits is when Henryk Lundqvist and Mike Rupp are pepper sprayed and arrested protesting on Wall Street. In a somewhat related note, there is a minor tussle, involving the NYPD and lots of pepper spray, when Chris Drury, Wade Redden and Sean Avery - angry about being unemployed - kick off "Operation Occupy The MSG Locker Room". Drury is beaten severely about the head and ears, but it's an improvement. Wade Redden gets pepper sprayed, but when it hits his nose, he just shouts "MORE". Avery is arrested without incident, but is sentenced to death row. In Texas.

Philadelphia Flyers - Here, you would expect me to make some snide comment about Pronger biting the head off of a kitten. Or some kind of comment about Jake Voracek's sudden affinity for fishnet stockings. Maybe something about Briere being photographed with a clearly visible Montreal Canadians tattoo. Maybe there'd be some comment about Kimmo Timonen actually falling asleep on the bench. These are the jokes you are expecting.

You'd be glad if that's what happened. Because the reality is worse. The season starts off with the horrible spector of a trade with Nashville. Everyone is against this except Pronger who is quietly lobbying for Mike Fisher and wants to get rid of Meszaros because he is "not even married". But that's just the beginning of the trouble. First, and foremost, the Philadelphia Enquirer writes a nice piece on Max Talbot with the headline "We kinda like Max". This causes Bobby Clarke, who has been diligently trying to pick the lock from inside his "office" for two years to emerge, covered in popcorn butter and smelling of Diet Coke and announce that Max is a "Pansy" and that his "parents are assholes" and challenges him to a duel. Paul Holmgren is called in to break up the fight before it gets out of hand. This is not a good year for Homer. First he has to try and get answers as to why Jody Shelley, Alexandre Giroux and DeSean Jackson are all suspended 31 games each by the league after a hot dog vendor trips behind the Flyers bench. Homer also has to spend at least 5 hours a day mediating a Twitter fight between Glenn Sather and Ed Snider over the 1987 Stanley Cup Finals. He also has a minor international incident on his hands when Jagr wagers the gross national product of Czechoslovakia on the Dover NASCAR race. Jagr actually wins it, and Homer has to figure out what to do with 6 cases of unfiltered cigarettes (he sells them to Mario Lemieux) and 3 goats (Schenn takes them. No one knows why). Holmgren finally snaps when Ilya Bryzgalov comes into his office five times a day and asks "What means 'die in a fire'?".

Breakout performance: Jeff Carter. The city burns when he wins the Ross AND the Hart..



Pittsburgh Penguins - The season starts on a somber note when the crews dismantling the Igloo finds a shivering, malnourished Jean-Claude Van Damme hanging from the scoreboard. Seems no one thought to get him down at the end of Face/Off. Or whatever movie he filmed there.

On another theatrical note, Evgeni Malkin draws rave reviews for his portrayal of Boo Radley in his adaptation of "To Kill a Mockingbird" at the North Hills Behihana dinner theater.

Then, just before camp starts, a very bizarre event happens following the re-signing of Mike "I'm just happy I don't have to get a real job, I'll play anywhere" Comrie. 100 messages a day fill up his voicemail. Most are giggling and hang ups. But occasionally a very excited voice shrieks "I LOVE YOU HILARY!". Police are called in to investigate, and are stunned that the calls originated from Mario Lemieux's basement, which can only mean one thing.

No.

JESUS. I know you can't stand the guy, but LET IT GO.

I get so tired of all this wah wah wah Sidney crap.

It was Kevin Stevens, who stowed away in an NHL Network film crew's luggage when they came to film Sidney sleeping with the cup. He's been living undetected in Mario's basement surviving on ButterTart Crumbs, Pall Malls and online poker.

Jeez, now I don't even feel like making a joke about Troy Polamalu's hair and how it ate three small children.

 

[forty_three]

Norfeast:
Boston Bruins - The road to repeat starts off strong despite the obvious handicap of losing Zdeno Chara, who was seized under Eminent Domain and used to prop up a crumbling section of the "Big Dig". He's back by January and bolsters the blue line. This, too is short lived because in April he is seized by the Sox, who use him in front of the Green Monster to swat down fly balls as they are hit his way, ala King Kong.

But the team dubbed "the greatest team ever" by no less that 196 Boston Sports journalists meets a painful demise when, in a surprise development, the Baltimore Orioles learn how to skate. Really, it's so bad that some Bruins fans go back to being Ranger fans.

Suspension notes: Andrew Ference 9 games for "Not covering his mouth when sneezing", Milan Lucic 7 games when he says "Yeah I remember when Chara hit Pacioretty" in response to a reporter's question and Tim Thomas who is told to sit 12 games for "filibustering".

Buffalo Sabres - The Sabres are crushed right out of the gate when it is discovered in the preseason that their goalie, a so-called 'Ryan Miller', is exposed as Comedian Russell Brand who has been secretly filming a "Borat" style ambush movie called "Shit my coach says".

Despite the handicap of not being able to unload Thomas Vanek, they start strong. And despite everyone else in the league's snickering, Christian Ehrhoff has a solid season. This is probably because his D partner, Tyler Myers, doesn't let "the Hoff" touch the puck until December. Showing the incredible "can-do" spirit that embodies their fanbase, coach Ruff gets almost 15 minutes into the season opener before blaming the refs for everything, including global warming. But it all takes a sour turn in early December when, while giving a speech outside HSBC arena, Terry Pegula states that he "is close to fulfilling my promise" when there is a flash of lightning, a clap of thunder and a tsunami from Niagara that sweeps him away while a booming laugh rains down from the heavens.

But it's all okay in the eyes of the Buffalo fans, because what happens to the Sabres is not as bad as when DA BILLS go back to the super bowl and are within ten seconds of winning it when, in an unprecedented event, the Detroit Lions' Alphonso Smith scores 3 separate Pick-sixes in the final minute of the game to win by one point. Ruff points out that this, too, was clearly the refs' fault.

Brendan Shanahan suspends Ruff for 13 games stating only "The hair. Seriously?"

Montreal Canadiens - They got Chris Campoli. And Erik Cole. On purpose. What do YOU think is gonna happen?

Ottawa Senators - They are written off and left for dead before the season even gets underway. The local media is crying about every other player and accusing everyone who has a bad game of being a meth-head. But a solid mix of young talent and wiley veteran leadership combined with the fact that everyone underestimated them, surprise the world with a first place run. There are some key moments that lead to this result; Alex Auld does not allow a goal in the month of October. But this is because someone took notes on the name Auld a few years ago and despite Murray signing him again, never let him on the ice. Every move they make is a great one, including bringing back Wade Redden, but making him wear a Wiercioch jersey, and giving Sergei Gonchar a GPS pre-programmed to take him to any arena the Sens are not playing in. The jokesters in the marketing department even get to January before anyone realizes that "Wacey" and "Kaspars" are just names they put in the press guide on a dare. But the greatest triumph is the eye-popping play of Niki Filatov. Hard to believe that the league's +/- leader, goal leader and surprise penalty minute leader was picked up for one box of magic beans. The feeling is so positive that one of the 218 sportswriters who cover the Sens actually types out "Hey, Murray did a not so bad job there".

The moment that defines the Sens season is when Daniel Alfredsson, immediately after a rousing come from behind win against the Canadiens at Scotia Bank place looks up from his Ikea catalog and grins. At the same moment, Jason Spezza stops rehearsing his diamond store commercial lines and actually goes out to dinner with some teammates.

The good feelings take a hit when a reporter points to a globe and asks Filatov where he's from, causing Nik to shriek "THESE AREN'T MY CRAYONS!" and run down the hall towards a payphone where he curls up in the fetal position murmuring the word "yiayia". He never plays another game in the NHL.

Tough loss: When Zibanijad is arrested by the UN and executed for his role in developing nuclear weapons against UN sanctions.

Toronto Maple Leafs - It's another tough year in the Nation's capital. Dion Phaneuf starts the year distracted looking for anyone who claims to have not liked the movie "The Girl Next Door" and cracking his knuckles a lot. He actually cracks his knuckles too close to Tim Connoly's head causing a concussion that sidelines Timmy for 9 months.

The most eventful thing to happen is when Brian Burke is detained at the border on suspicion of trafficking in prescription drugs because while trying to save money, he started sending players to the States via UPS. It was okay usually, but agents got suspicious when they saw 2 6 foot tall boxes labeled "Bozak" and "Lupul". Ironically, Nazim Kadri was never stopped despite bringing Ricky Williams and a couple plates full of brownies the box with him at least five times.

The surprise hit of the year is young Swedish Goalie Mark Owuya. He has a solid pre-season and is generally well liked by his team. His calm demeanor is a settling influence on noted hypertards like Komisarek. His tenure is short lived however, because when opposing fans start the derisive chant of his name, the ensuing sound - not unlike a whooping crane caught in a 1920's fire engine horn - is so funny, players on both sides have involuntary bladder drainage. Brendan Shanahan, unable to contain his giggle in his infomercial, assigns him to the AHL "for the betterment of the game".

 

[forty_three]

There are comments in the West thread, and none in this one. Proving again beyond a shadow of a doubt that the West is truly the Betsern conference. #DupDupDerp!