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By Jim Caple
ESPN.com
The Mariners recently held Beard Hat Night, a surprisingly popular promotion in which fans received short stocking hats that included a fake beard to warm the face. But that isn't the only unusual giveaway promotion teams are holding this year …
Rockies Balaclava/Parka Night, Colorado: All fans (and players) in attendance will wear purple and black balaclavas to cover their faces, along with goose-down parkas certified to 50-below zero, plus thermal underwear, wool gloves, socks and fur-lined boots. Note: This is not a giveaway promotion. It's just what Colorado fans need to stay warm when the game-time temperature is 23 degrees for the first game of a doubleheader.
Giancarlo Stanton Jersey Night, Miami: The first 20,000 fans at Miami's Marlins Park will receive a free Giancarlo Stanton replica jersey. Of course, it will be a Yankees replica Stanton jersey, because the Marlins will have traded their lone remaining star to New York by then.
Clay Buchholz Autographed Baseball Night, Boston: The first 10,000 fans will receive a free baseball personally signed by pitcher Clay Buchholz. They come with a handle-with-care warning, though. Buchholz's signature is likely to smear on some of the balls.
(Brief digression: Can someone please explain why breaking a very specific, nearly 100-year-old rule is regarded as nothing more than "gamesmanship," while PED use is considered downright immoral? Cheating is cheating. I'm not saying Buchholz is a spitballer, but why is it that pitchers who are accused of spitting on or scuffing baseballs are treated as harmless pranksters? They pretend to load up the ball to confuse batters, and (as Mike Scott did in Sports Illustrated) even pose for photographs with tool belts, sanders or blowtorches, as if it were just some big joke. Imagine a player posing with PEDs and a set of hypodermic needles, or pretending to inject himself with something on the field to make opponents wonder if he's on something. Wouldn't happen. And yet we not only tolerate it from spitballers and scuffers, we celebrate their actions by voting them into the Hall of Fame (Gaylord Perry, Don Sutton and Whitey Ford). Don't cite health concerns for the louder objections to PEDs, either. A big reason spitballs were banned is because a blemished ball led to the beaning and death of Ray Chapman. Pitchers caught cheating should be suspended for two weeks, and further offenders suspended for longer.)
OK. Time for me to take a deep breath and get back to the giveaways.
Astros Cap/Blindfold Night, Houston: The first 20,000 fans … wait, let's be realistic. Attendance being what it is this season in Houston, every fan who might possibly show up at the turnstile will receive an Astros Cap Blindfold, as well as one or two for their friends. The cap allows long-suffering Houston fans to show their stubbornly loyal support for a team that hasn't won a world championship in the franchise's 51-year history, while the blindfold allows them to avoid actually watching the Astros play (and lose again). Fans, however, will still be able to hear pitches pop into the catcher's glove as the Astros continue to swing and miss at a record pace of 10 strikeouts per game.
Yankees Orthopedic Shoe/Walker Night, New York: In a salute to aging, aching Yankees stars Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Andy Pettitte, Ichiro, Curtis Granderson and others, the first 15,000 fans will receive Orthopedic Shoe/Walkers. These sensible white shoes provide plenty of arch support and come with either a cane or a walker for added balance and assistance during those long strolls to the concession stand. Note: Fans will also will receive confusing multiple bills for the items, with the final amount due dependent on their insurance company and Medicare status.
iCubs Night, Chicago, July 9: Facing opposition to their plan to erect a 6,000-square-foot video board at Wrigley Field, the Cubs will instead give all fans in the left field bleachers free iPads before each game. Those fans will then be asked to sit really, really, really, really close together and hold up their tablets after each pitch to provide a virtual Jumbotron for video replays, statistics and, most importantly, advertisements. Note: Fans are not to throw their tablets on the field when an opponent homers.
Nationals Sequestration Night, Washington: Due to sequestration budget cuts that are forcing closures and furloughs throughout the National Park Service, all fans* will be locked out of Nationals Park for the entire game against the Dodgers. (*Air traffic controllers, however, will be allowed in.)
Orioles "Iron Man 3" Night, Baltimore: In conjunction with the release of the new Marvel Comics movie, the first 10,000 fans 12 and under will receive replicas of the body armor worn by the true Iron Man superhero -- stirrup socks, white polyester baseball pants, an Orioles cap and a Baltimore jersey with the No. 8.
Pirates Refrigerator Magnet Nights, Pittsburgh: Fans who attended Pittsburgh's home opener in April received magnet schedules that listed games for the first four months of the season. Having learned the painful lessons of 2011 and 2012, the Pirates will hand out magnet schedules at the end of July for August and September … only if the team is still above. 500.
Josh Hamilton Trick Wallet Night, Anaheim: Have you seen these mini-wallets? You store your cash under two elastic bands on one side and then fold it closed. When you open the wallet again, the cash has somehow moved under the elastic bands on the other side. The difference with the Josh Hamilton wallets is that when you place $125 million under the elastic bands and open the wallet back up again, that money has magically disappeared! All you have for signing the slugger is a .208 average, nine RBIs and 38 strikeouts!
(This is similar to last year's Albert Pujols Trick Wallet, only worse.)
ESPN.com
The Mariners recently held Beard Hat Night, a surprisingly popular promotion in which fans received short stocking hats that included a fake beard to warm the face. But that isn't the only unusual giveaway promotion teams are holding this year …
Rockies Balaclava/Parka Night, Colorado: All fans (and players) in attendance will wear purple and black balaclavas to cover their faces, along with goose-down parkas certified to 50-below zero, plus thermal underwear, wool gloves, socks and fur-lined boots. Note: This is not a giveaway promotion. It's just what Colorado fans need to stay warm when the game-time temperature is 23 degrees for the first game of a doubleheader.
Giancarlo Stanton Jersey Night, Miami: The first 20,000 fans at Miami's Marlins Park will receive a free Giancarlo Stanton replica jersey. Of course, it will be a Yankees replica Stanton jersey, because the Marlins will have traded their lone remaining star to New York by then.
Clay Buchholz Autographed Baseball Night, Boston: The first 10,000 fans will receive a free baseball personally signed by pitcher Clay Buchholz. They come with a handle-with-care warning, though. Buchholz's signature is likely to smear on some of the balls.
(Brief digression: Can someone please explain why breaking a very specific, nearly 100-year-old rule is regarded as nothing more than "gamesmanship," while PED use is considered downright immoral? Cheating is cheating. I'm not saying Buchholz is a spitballer, but why is it that pitchers who are accused of spitting on or scuffing baseballs are treated as harmless pranksters? They pretend to load up the ball to confuse batters, and (as Mike Scott did in Sports Illustrated) even pose for photographs with tool belts, sanders or blowtorches, as if it were just some big joke. Imagine a player posing with PEDs and a set of hypodermic needles, or pretending to inject himself with something on the field to make opponents wonder if he's on something. Wouldn't happen. And yet we not only tolerate it from spitballers and scuffers, we celebrate their actions by voting them into the Hall of Fame (Gaylord Perry, Don Sutton and Whitey Ford). Don't cite health concerns for the louder objections to PEDs, either. A big reason spitballs were banned is because a blemished ball led to the beaning and death of Ray Chapman. Pitchers caught cheating should be suspended for two weeks, and further offenders suspended for longer.)
OK. Time for me to take a deep breath and get back to the giveaways.
Astros Cap/Blindfold Night, Houston: The first 20,000 fans … wait, let's be realistic. Attendance being what it is this season in Houston, every fan who might possibly show up at the turnstile will receive an Astros Cap Blindfold, as well as one or two for their friends. The cap allows long-suffering Houston fans to show their stubbornly loyal support for a team that hasn't won a world championship in the franchise's 51-year history, while the blindfold allows them to avoid actually watching the Astros play (and lose again). Fans, however, will still be able to hear pitches pop into the catcher's glove as the Astros continue to swing and miss at a record pace of 10 strikeouts per game.
Yankees Orthopedic Shoe/Walker Night, New York: In a salute to aging, aching Yankees stars Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Andy Pettitte, Ichiro, Curtis Granderson and others, the first 15,000 fans will receive Orthopedic Shoe/Walkers. These sensible white shoes provide plenty of arch support and come with either a cane or a walker for added balance and assistance during those long strolls to the concession stand. Note: Fans will also will receive confusing multiple bills for the items, with the final amount due dependent on their insurance company and Medicare status.
iCubs Night, Chicago, July 9: Facing opposition to their plan to erect a 6,000-square-foot video board at Wrigley Field, the Cubs will instead give all fans in the left field bleachers free iPads before each game. Those fans will then be asked to sit really, really, really, really close together and hold up their tablets after each pitch to provide a virtual Jumbotron for video replays, statistics and, most importantly, advertisements. Note: Fans are not to throw their tablets on the field when an opponent homers.
Nationals Sequestration Night, Washington: Due to sequestration budget cuts that are forcing closures and furloughs throughout the National Park Service, all fans* will be locked out of Nationals Park for the entire game against the Dodgers. (*Air traffic controllers, however, will be allowed in.)
Orioles "Iron Man 3" Night, Baltimore: In conjunction with the release of the new Marvel Comics movie, the first 10,000 fans 12 and under will receive replicas of the body armor worn by the true Iron Man superhero -- stirrup socks, white polyester baseball pants, an Orioles cap and a Baltimore jersey with the No. 8.
Pirates Refrigerator Magnet Nights, Pittsburgh: Fans who attended Pittsburgh's home opener in April received magnet schedules that listed games for the first four months of the season. Having learned the painful lessons of 2011 and 2012, the Pirates will hand out magnet schedules at the end of July for August and September … only if the team is still above. 500.
Josh Hamilton Trick Wallet Night, Anaheim: Have you seen these mini-wallets? You store your cash under two elastic bands on one side and then fold it closed. When you open the wallet again, the cash has somehow moved under the elastic bands on the other side. The difference with the Josh Hamilton wallets is that when you place $125 million under the elastic bands and open the wallet back up again, that money has magically disappeared! All you have for signing the slugger is a .208 average, nine RBIs and 38 strikeouts!
(This is similar to last year's Albert Pujols Trick Wallet, only worse.)
