OT: special thanks to the tech guys

[sabresfaninthesouth]

It's been a while since I've been in a front line support role.

At my old job, the first line support's solution for EVERY issue went exactly like this:

Tech guy: "Have you tried rebooting?"

Me: "Yes"

Tech guy: "Let's go ahead and have you try that again."

Me: [while slamming my head on the desk] "OK"

<Five minutes later after reboot is complete>

Me: "Nope, still not working"

Tech guy: "Hmmm...I think I'm going to have to refer this to your local support [our 2nd line tech support]"

2nd line tech support wasn't allowed to work anything without a ticket created by 1st line support, so we had to go through this horseshit process every time.

 

[dash]

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

 

[buffhockey]

Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

....."Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

....."Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

....."Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really! Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 

[forty_three]

Time to trot out the old classic:
George's Tickets, Page One

We had a help desk guy like George. And he was managed by a guy who was dumber.

 

[buffhockey]

Time to trot out the old classic:
George's Tickets, Page One

We had a help desk guy like George. And he was managed by a guy who was dumber.

I've given the id10t response a few times.


With people I know could take it...

 

[sabresfaninthesouth]

I was good friends with our 2nd line tech support guy at my last job.

His favo(u)rite was to tell the blowhard know-it-alls that they had an IO (idiot operator, not input/output) error.
They'd frequently respond with something like "You know, I kinda thought it was an IO issue but wasn't quite sure"

 

[forty_three]

I've given the id10t response a few times.


With people I know could take it...

Once we were working on an intermittent system outage and the Help Desk manager kept getting on our nerves asking questions about a printer he was working on. The issue was large sections of our call center would just drop off the network for a minute and then resume.

Me, my boss and 2 other guys were moments away from sending up the "Call vendor support" flare when he called again. "Hey, I really need help with this printer."

To shut him up, my boss said "Fine, what is wrong with your printer?". The guy went on to explain that he was setting up a network printer and whenever he sent a print job to it's IP, it never showed up.

Seems the guy had given his new printer the same IP as the call center's default gateway, and every time he sent a print job, it blacked out part of the call center.


From that point forward, whenever there was an issue and he wanted to help my boss sent him on a Snipe Hunt. We told him we needed a cable stretcher, an analog screwdriver, Token Pads. Anything to get him away from us. And since we worked for a cable company, we sent him to the line techs to get these things. They knew what we were up to, so they'd have all kinds of fun with it. They even got him to draft an email one time to the entire Mid Atlantic region staff because all the analog screwdrivers had been stolen, and we needed them back.

I loved the one time he came back with a screwdriver and my boss looked at him and sighed. "That's a digital screwdriver." He said "I thought so, but thought you might be able to use it".

I nearly peed myself that time.

 

[elocomotive]

Loving all these IT stories, guy. They are hilarious.

 

[forty_three]

I was in my boss' office and we were checking out a demo of a network monitoring tool. From his office we had a clear view of the door to the main wiring room in our building. So we're looking at this thing, and clicking and enjoying the big green dots. All is good.

Then we see the director of IT walk into the wiring closet.

Then a large swath of green dots turn red.

Then IT director comes walking out of the wiring closet with a 24 port switch under his arm.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Eddie over at DelMarVa sent an email asking if anyone had a 24 port switch he could use"

Yeah. That guy is now a Senior Vice President. Not of IT, thank God.

 

[buffhockey]

This is a true story - A long time I was helping someone over the phone and the call went something like this:

User: I have an error.

Me: What does the message on screen say

User: ....reads message....

Me: OK. Type in close (10) and press enter.

User: I did that and now have a syntax error message.

Me: Type in close (10) and press enter.

User: Syntax error.

Me: Read back EXACTLY what you typed in.

User: c-l-o-t-h-e-s-(-1-0-) and press enter key.

Me: OK ...



In case you are wondering, user was a female.

 

[forty_three]

^^LOL

One of the cute little marketing girls was having trouble with her system and I was trying to help her. Her machine needed to be sent for warranty, and I was setting up a spare. I didn't like to ask people for their passwords, but if she would give me her password I could make sure everything was set up for her. She hesitated. I said it's fine, she could call in to the help desk to finish setting up printers and email after I brought it by and she got logged in.

"It's just that it's kind of embarassing."

"It's not a big deal, really. If you don't want to give it to me, fine."

"Ineedtogetlaid".

"excuse me?"

"That's my password."

"Hold please."

 

[sabresfaninthesouth]

^^LOL

One of the cute little marketing girls was having trouble with her system and I was trying to help her. Her machine needed to be sent for warranty, and I was setting up a spare. I didn't like to ask people for their passwords, but if she would give me her password I could make sure everything was set up for her. She hesitated. I said it's fine, she could call in to the help desk to finish setting up printers and email after I brought it by and she got logged in.

"It's just that it's kind of embarassing."

"It's not a big deal, really. If you don't want to give it to me, fine."

"Ineedtogetlaid".

"excuse me?"

"That's my password."

"Hold please."

"Yes ma'am, I believe I can help you with this issue."

 

[sabresfaninthesouth]

Former job again.

Was talking with the data center manager when he gets a message from the receptionist over his intercom: "Mr. Johnson and his friends are on their way up."

Guy bolts from his desk. When he doesn't come right back I head back to my desk. I see him a couple hours later.

"What was that all about?"

Mr. Johnson is the (exceedingly wealthy) owner of the company. Knows NOTHING about technology. But every time he hears about a new technology he insists that the company buy it, regardless of usefulness, quality, etc.. He then likes to bring his wealthy friends in to show them his shiny new technology in his data center. He also likes to smoke huge cigars. Inside his data center.

Turns out the data center manager was sprinting to get the fire suppression for the data center switched off before the owner's huge cigar would set it off.

 

[BOSSMANPC]

^^LOL

One of the cute little marketing girls was having trouble with her system and I was trying to help her. Her machine needed to be sent for warranty, and I was setting up a spare. I didn't like to ask people for their passwords, but if she would give me her password I could make sure everything was set up for her. She hesitated. I said it's fine, she could call in to the help desk to finish setting up printers and email after I brought it by and she got logged in.

"It's just that it's kind of embarassing."

"It's not a big deal, really. If you don't want to give it to me, fine."

"Ineedtogetlaid".

"excuse me?"

"That's my password."

"Hold please."

Ha, That's good !!

 

[BOSSMANPC]

This by no means is Hi tech just plain dumb.

The place I worked at the managers got company vans to drive. A new one every two years.

The plant manager was an OK guy but when it came to anything mechanical he was lost. One day I see him with the hood of the van open and asked.

Ron whats up?

Nothing Steve the damn fan belt is squeaking.

So what are you spraying on it?

He hands me a can of WD-40 !

Ron WTF are you doing spraying a fucking lubricant on a squeaky fan belt for?

If you look at the can it says it stops squeaks doesn't it?

After I explained why this wasn't the brightest move he said. Steve don't you EVER tell anyone you saw me do this !!

 

[forty_three]

"Yes ma'am, I believe I can help you with this issue."

When I delivered the system she said "it's an old password, I don't have that problem anymore."

I just said "well, congrats" and got out of there as fast as I could. I grinned every time I passed her in the hall for months.

I have had numerous awkward moments. I have had a few times when someone said they need to take their laptop to Best Buy to get it fixed and I said don't, let me have a look at it. More often than not, there are nekkid pictures found when I back up their stuff. This is not always a good thing.

Kind of a weird way to find out the hot accounting guy all the ladies love is gay, though.

Former job again.

Was talking with the data center manager when he gets a message from the receptionist over his intercom: "Mr. Johnson and his friends are on their way up."

Guy bolts from his desk. When he doesn't come right back I head back to my desk. I see him a couple hours later.

"What was that all about?"

Mr. Johnson is the (exceedingly wealthy) owner of the company. Knows NOTHING about technology. But every time he hears about a new technology he insists that the company buy it, regardless of usefulness, quality, etc.. He then likes to bring his wealthy friends in to show them his shiny new technology in his data center. He also likes to smoke huge cigars. Inside his data center.

Turns out the data center manager was sprinting to get the fire suppression for the data center switched off before the owner's huge cigar would set it off.

I would have lined up another job and a webcam and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[KennyBanyeah]

This by no means is Hi tech just plain dumb.

The place I worked at the managers got company vans to drive. A new one every two years.

The plant manager was an OK guy but when it came to anything mechanical he was lost. One day I see him with the hood of the van open and asked.

Ron whats up?

Nothing Steve the damn fan belt is squeaking.

So what are you spraying on it?

He hands me a can of WD-40 !

Ron WTF are you doing spraying a fucking lubricant on a squeaky fan belt for?

If you look at the can it says it stops squeaks doesn't it?

After I explained why this wasn't the brightest move he said. Steve don't you EVER tell anyone you saw me do this !!

LOL. Ron from Buffalo???

I know that guy. Man am I going bust his balls about THIS!!

 

[BOSSMANPC]

LOL. Ron from Buffalo???

I know that guy. Man am I going bust his balls about THIS!!

Yeah but I didn't tell anyone, I typed it. I think I'm safe.

 

[sabresfaninthesouth]

I would have lined up another job and a webcam and let the chips fall where they may.

Golden handcuff. That company (not my employer, I was a visitor) paid VERY well.

 

[KennyBanyeah]

Yeah but I didn't tell anyone, I typed it. I think I'm safe.

Boss you sly, sneaky, old sonofabitch... you've gotten away with it!!!