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forty_three
Stance: Goofy
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Chicago Blackhawks
The team that rolled all year continues rolling. Nothing at all would have been notable about their march to cup glory except for Duncan Keith continuing to offend everyone.
Jews – When remarking that a call was “cheap”.
Metalworkers union – “We’re all kind of like grinders”
Pittsburgh – “Johnny T is a legit MVP candidate”
Cabbies – “Pat Kane is a good friend”
Matt Cooke – “No, I don’t want to talk about my penis.”
Keith missed the last 3 games after his PR team wrapped him in bubble wrap and put him in a storage locker in Evanston after he said “We’ve found the chink in their armor”.
Mighty Los Ducks of Anahengeles
The only thing remarkable about the Ducks is that there is NOTHING remarkable about the Ducks. I really can’t even be bothered to make up anything funny. Because it won’t be. What can I do? Getzlafs hair? That weird ass commercial with Lidstrom and Perry and the hats? Victor Fasth channeling Martin Gerber with that mask early on? Bruce Boudreau looking like a giant thumb?
Nothing. Funny.
Which is why it is so earth shattering when they are repurchased by Disney who immediately replaces their goalies with “Herbie the Love Bug”.
Vancouver Canucks
The Canucks roll into the playoffs despite the adversity surrounding the fact that BOTH Sedins were touched or tapped within the last week of the season. Shopkeepers all over downtown Vancouver boarded up their stores on news that in one case, Daniel Sedin was slashed sorta and there was NO CALL. “C’mon refs!” shouted the owner of Bob’s Handy Mart. “I am terrified of fire!” Once underway in the playoffs, the Canucks find an inner strength not usually seen. They are Aggressive. Undaunted. Relentless. Of course we’re not talking about game play, we’re talking about whining to the refs. Henrik Sedin has a bullhorn placed on the bench so he can shout in Swedish about how “that guy, like, skated right next to me and stuff”.
The chant at games slowly migrates from “Let’s go Nucks!” to “Call more penalties”. Ironically, this works as Derek Roy spends, on average, 8 minutes a game in the box for embellishment, often getting called for falling down as early as pre game warm up.
The Canucks are eliminated while down two men (Roy and Garrison skated past each other, touched, and dropped like sacks of cement). As the arena emptied, and Bob’s Handy mart relocated to Saskatoon, team officials had to tell Ryan Kesler and Roberto Luongo that it was over. They failed to notice because they had been engaged n a Twitter war over Penises and bad contracts, much to the interest of Matt Cooke. And Daniel Briere. But for different reasons. Probably.
The Off season is a successful one though. Derek Roy wins “Celebrity Diving” despite the handicap of needing stagehand to tap him with a hockey stick before each dive, and Dave Nonis is featured on a powerful and moving episode of “Goalie Hoarders”.
Lost Angel Kings
Right off the bat, the excitement of the return of Dustin Penner is quashed when it is learned he gave himself a concussion opening a bag of Funyons in an airport lobby. It would not be as big an issue if he hadn’t hit little Jeffy in the face which made Jeffy lose two more teeth and drop his Vodka bottle. When Mike Richards dives to catch the bottle, he rolls over Anze Koitar’s ankle.
And to make matters worse, it is explained to the league that the Kings may wind up playing the Red Wings at some point, and Brenden Shanahan announces that he doesn’t feel that Dustin Brown is really “sorry” and suspends him for five more games “Pending a matchup against the Wings”.
The team that rolled all year continues rolling. Nothing at all would have been notable about their march to cup glory except for Duncan Keith continuing to offend everyone.
Jews – When remarking that a call was “cheap”.
Metalworkers union – “We’re all kind of like grinders”
Pittsburgh – “Johnny T is a legit MVP candidate”
Cabbies – “Pat Kane is a good friend”
Matt Cooke – “No, I don’t want to talk about my penis.”
Keith missed the last 3 games after his PR team wrapped him in bubble wrap and put him in a storage locker in Evanston after he said “We’ve found the chink in their armor”.
Mighty Los Ducks of Anahengeles
The only thing remarkable about the Ducks is that there is NOTHING remarkable about the Ducks. I really can’t even be bothered to make up anything funny. Because it won’t be. What can I do? Getzlafs hair? That weird ass commercial with Lidstrom and Perry and the hats? Victor Fasth channeling Martin Gerber with that mask early on? Bruce Boudreau looking like a giant thumb?
Nothing. Funny.
Which is why it is so earth shattering when they are repurchased by Disney who immediately replaces their goalies with “Herbie the Love Bug”.
Vancouver Canucks
The Canucks roll into the playoffs despite the adversity surrounding the fact that BOTH Sedins were touched or tapped within the last week of the season. Shopkeepers all over downtown Vancouver boarded up their stores on news that in one case, Daniel Sedin was slashed sorta and there was NO CALL. “C’mon refs!” shouted the owner of Bob’s Handy Mart. “I am terrified of fire!” Once underway in the playoffs, the Canucks find an inner strength not usually seen. They are Aggressive. Undaunted. Relentless. Of course we’re not talking about game play, we’re talking about whining to the refs. Henrik Sedin has a bullhorn placed on the bench so he can shout in Swedish about how “that guy, like, skated right next to me and stuff”.
The chant at games slowly migrates from “Let’s go Nucks!” to “Call more penalties”. Ironically, this works as Derek Roy spends, on average, 8 minutes a game in the box for embellishment, often getting called for falling down as early as pre game warm up.
The Canucks are eliminated while down two men (Roy and Garrison skated past each other, touched, and dropped like sacks of cement). As the arena emptied, and Bob’s Handy mart relocated to Saskatoon, team officials had to tell Ryan Kesler and Roberto Luongo that it was over. They failed to notice because they had been engaged n a Twitter war over Penises and bad contracts, much to the interest of Matt Cooke. And Daniel Briere. But for different reasons. Probably.
The Off season is a successful one though. Derek Roy wins “Celebrity Diving” despite the handicap of needing stagehand to tap him with a hockey stick before each dive, and Dave Nonis is featured on a powerful and moving episode of “Goalie Hoarders”.
Lost Angel Kings
Right off the bat, the excitement of the return of Dustin Penner is quashed when it is learned he gave himself a concussion opening a bag of Funyons in an airport lobby. It would not be as big an issue if he hadn’t hit little Jeffy in the face which made Jeffy lose two more teeth and drop his Vodka bottle. When Mike Richards dives to catch the bottle, he rolls over Anze Koitar’s ankle.
And to make matters worse, it is explained to the league that the Kings may wind up playing the Red Wings at some point, and Brenden Shanahan announces that he doesn’t feel that Dustin Brown is really “sorry” and suspends him for five more games “Pending a matchup against the Wings”.
