off topic but hilarious

[sfsportsfan]

Joke #1:


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And that's when the fight started....


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Joke #2:

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke #3:

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke #4:

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke#5:

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started....

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Joke#6:

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me acompliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's when the fight started....

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Joke#7:

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Naaah, she can order for herself." I replied.


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke #8:

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


And that's when the fight started....


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Joke #9:

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silverhair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke #10:

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke #11:

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke #12:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'


And that's when the fight started....

 

[filosofy29]

I meant to write this earlier, but got caught up in packing this weekend. Good thread and some funny ones in there.

Some of my favorite jokes:

What did one condom say to the other condom while getting a drink in a gay bar?

"Ready to go get shitfaced?"

(not too classy, but still, funny.....rip): Why did the store take down the Steve Irwin sun block? Because it couldn't protect against harmful rays.

 

[sfsportsfan]

that steve irwin one is absolutely hilarious


how can you tell when its midnight at Michael Jacksons house?

when the big hand touches the little hand


when michael jackson died, mcdonalds ran a special in his honor. 6 year old buns between 50 year old meet


but no shit, this is a true story, my buddy who lives in arizona told me he was at mcdonalds when mj died, and apparently the dj on the radio said "today the world lost two beautiful white women"