OT Gentlemen (and any ladies)...

This is a painful post for me to put up, but I thought it was necessary since many of have been together for the last 16-17 years through the various incarnations of the ESPN boards and then ending up here. Some of us have met, some of us haven't, but through it all I feel connected to many people here. I thought I would share my story.

My wife - we were never married, but after 7 years and 2 children I consider that a marriage - left the house last Friday night. It's always 50/50 when it comes to these things but I fell into bad habits that have been my vices for years in recent years. The stress of managing two families (I have 2 kids with another ex in addition to our children), work, finances, all of it, eventually wears you down.

Thus I went back to the bottle and alcohol has always been my worst enemy. It makes me say and do things I would not do if I was not drinking. Everything I had worked for the last 15 years went into the toilet. It's been an exceptionally tough year for us, more than before, but things started to spiral July 15 when I lost my job and it was compounded by unfortunate events - a hit and run on my truck July 27, getting rear ended in her car Aug 10, getting a ticket Aug 12 and the major blowout between us later that night.This stretch didn't break us however, cumulative damage over the years did - this was just the tipping point. I have fallen into a depression and in my own world, which just heaped on to the big pile anyway.

Nothing seems enjoyable at the moment. I am not eating, I am not sleeping. My boys, who have known nothing but mom and dad in the same house since 2010 and 2012, are now splitting houses. My daughters, who established relationships with their stepmom, are hurt too. This is an all around "shit the bed" as I like to say.

I will be enjoying Kings hockey when the season comes around but am going to start a journey this weekend that will lead to a better me. Hopefully that means my wife comes home, if not, I become a better person for it in the end. No more booze. No more cigarettes. No more being an idiot because I got some alcohol in my system. I was once that man, and I want that man back. These are the things I bounced off Ox for so many years that I never shared, and with him not even here now it's been difficult.

I am probably not going to be posting a lot this season since I will be focused on much more important things, but I want to say thank you to all who have been such an important part of my "life" here for so many years.

I may not post a lot this season but I hope you understand why, I have bigger priorities right now. Please wish me luck and I hope for nothing but the best for all of you.

Andy

Yeah that's right, I used my real name.

=)~~

The wife says, she wishes you well. You have my number, if you need anything. I have another friend who was in the same place a few years ago. You have 4 ( I want to say 5) reasons to put this behind you.

You and I met briefly but enjoyably in 2014. I'm not sure that you remember but we spoke of situations and things in our personal lives that were running parallel to eachother. I wish you well and hope things work out for the best, whatever that maybe. Trust me when I say that I know where you are coming from, though from a slightly different perspective.
You do have my number, and though we may not have spoken much on the phone in the last year, reach out if you need to talk. Also if you need to get away, I have an extra bedroom and it's not in California. Again, good luck to you and I hope you find what you are looking for.

Yo dude.

I'll keep this to the point. You don't need, and If I remember you well enough, don't want a bunch of sympathetic nonsense. By your own testimony there have been two great men in your life that have guided you throughout your life. Your father and Ox. Both are sitting above you shouting down advise. Get your head straight and listen and you'll hear their words.

Keep your head up both figuratively and literally and I know you'll get your shit back together. You're focused if not stubbornly committed man so if you put your mind to getting this resolved you will

Best wishes and if you don't have my number let me know here and I'll text you again.
X

PuckinUgly57 said:

Andy

Yeah that's right, I used my real name.

=)~~

Click to expand...

I have never met you and still know your first name and last name. (no homo/no stalker)
Do what you have to and get better. There is no cookie cutter advice than I can say, but you know you have so much support here.

Take care.

I hope things do work out, we have all had substance abuse and its ramifications effect us all at one point or another. I am sure I am not alone when I say we hope to hear from you soon.

Andy, go get it! You are a very intelligent and passionate man, and once all that is headed in a positive direction you will have the world by the balls! Courage courage courage to heal! You can do it!! My prayers are with you.

You'll be alright, man. Hang in there.

There are lot of people dealing with a lot of stuff and Kings hockey is sort of that stability that links our communities, and at the end of the day, that's really the point.

This economy is trash right now so there are more people than you could imagine dealing with financial stresses.

Be well, and take solace in knowing that the 3rd Kings cup is coming soon

Thanks for the well wishes guys, it's been a really tough year and overall 6-7 weeks. Hanging in there and doing my best for the kids and trying to focus on me. She is done done, I cannot control that but have accepted it. The only thing I can do is change myself and hopefully she sees that in time but right now she is still fuming 2 weeks later so you know it's pretty serious. Communication as essentially been shut down unless it has to do with the kids.

I've never been religious, just never gave it much thought and plus growing up in a Muslim household (my family is cool - they practice it the way it is supposed to be practiced but I never connected with it regardless. They are some of the nicest, accepting people I know, not these idiot crazies we constantly hear about) I didn't believe a lot of the stuff.

No pork, no alcohol for example and one day I asked my father why no pork and he said the pig is a dirty animal. As I got older and learned things on my own, one find was that the chicken is actually more dirty than the pig, yet we can eat that? Turns out Muslims don't like the fornicating habits of the pig. I felt a little offended by my dad that he couldn't just tell me that. Just one of the turn offs I experienced with Islam, and over the years dating certain girls who were Christian who tried to expose me to it, it was too much for me. Too righteous and too by the books and I'm pretty sure everyone knows I am not like that at all. One example was Christmas 2000, a girl I was dating was from a very religious family and for the Twelve Days of Christmas we read a line from the song and then correlated it to a verse from the Bible. One of the most uncomfortable holidays ever for me.

Long story short, Mrs. Puck found a mellow church by our house about a year ago and started taking the kids on Sundays. I however always stayed behind. I reached out to them, they invited me in and I attended my my first service Sunday on my own. I accepted Jesus and got my first Bible, and I joined a faith based 12-step program on Monday. 41 years of no spiritual guidance got me in a lot of trouble over the years, including jail, a felony, a DUI, unplanned pregnancies and what not so I figured it could not hurt. I'm not becoming a Bible thumper - I am still going to hammer you guys when I get well enough - but I believe this was necessary for someone like me. Maybe this all happened for that reason. You take a long hard look at yourself when things like this happen, especially that have affected my family and life so severely.

So I'm doing OK, but not great, and as X said I do not require anyone's sympathy. I am a stubborn man, but I also take the bull by the horns when necessary and make things happen. That is what I need to now. I did have a major breakdown Tuesday and went off the rails at a bar but I'm learning I'm not perfect and all I can do is try to better today. Been sober 3 days now and hope to keep it rolling.

Also wanted to give a big thank you to Psychman, he has been unbelievably gracious with his time and words. He checks in with me nightly and is helping me as well like Ox used to do. I really appreciate it, and it just goes to show how many awesome people we have on this board.

Take care guys and post soon again. Have a great weekend.

I can not stand religions. That said I would have done anything to raise and protect my kids, while I have been a heavy drinker I was never that bad. Those of us that can "take it or leave it" do not understand how addiction can take over a life. Its a difficult road and having help is extremely important, still the only one that can stop it is you.

Thanks for the update, Andy.

Guess the only time I post is when a beloved long-timer here passes away or shares their life with the rest of us.

Well, I’m sure there are many here who could proffer some emotionally assured help on your next (life) steps but a select few (and I) will say that that seldom suffices.

That said, you'll probably need to fly solo for a while, but I cannot think of a part of the United States more perfect geographically to get your life straightened out. AA meetings on beaches and in strip malls, ocean-facing recovery homes, spiritual retreats, secret ashrams, churches for all denominations, and counselors in all shapes and sizes. It’s overwhelming.

3 days is 3 days. Enjoy the moment each day. If you slip up, who cares. It takes time. I had a family history of alcoholism and after a few rounds with the bottle, I got out of that ring at an early age. A confluence of factors helped. The most convincing was a co-worker, passenger and lone survivor of a fatal DUI crash who got sober at 18.

Remember, it takes guts to do what you did. You hold a lotta sway here and your story might be helping someone else on this board who's currently ankle-deep in this (or another) problem. You just might have saved another life.

Enjoy the process. If you need to two ears and a closed mouth, reach out anytime. So often, we feel most comfortable with people we barely know.

Thinking about you Puck. If anyone can beat this thing it's you! Take care my friend.

Good luck my friend. Just think, you managed to get me to reappear to explain my absence.

I don't recall when I stopped posting, it was either in February or March. My job got hectic, I was promoted to executive producer, but my original position was never filled. That means on top of all of my new duties as executive producer, I still had to do a regular producer job. It essentially meant constant 13-14 hour days. Combine that with those hours being graveyard, I was losing my sense of an outside life. I started seeing a counselor, but that couldn't prepare me for a Thursday night in April. All the stress, anger and depression I had built up culminated in me having a heart attack at 26 years old.

After recovering from that, I made some changes. I used my position and contract situation to my advantage, stepping down as executive producer in exchange for getting off the overnights. I've used that to get in touch with a few friends down in southern california and I go see them more often. I'm a lot happier and a lot less stressed than I was. Funny enough, living in Vegas, I never once fell into the many traps someone suffering from depression can fall into here in Vegas. Yes, I do gamble, but I only do it like once a month and I always set a limit.

ANYWAYS, we are all behind you Andy!

Best of luck to you. Though I've never met anyone on the board, I've enjoyed reading posts dating back to the ESPN boards when I was SBCoach. Sounds like a lot of folks have had some rough stretches. But its good to know you have a lot of support.

Personally, I think you can find truths in most major religions. And if a religion is used as a crutch to help you out of a tough spot, then great. Though I would tread carefully if a person has an addictive personality and simply substitutes one addiction for another. I'm sure you're smart enough to maintain a proper balance, maybe just need the proper support. Again, best wishes, and continue posting!

Quick update for you all, been 23 days sober now - had a relapse after that 3 days above - and have been religiously going to AA, church and found a therapist who specializes in EMDR to see what haunts that Pandora's Box known as my mind. Also started training for the Spartan Run inn LA Dec 10, good exercise and I killed the 5K Wipeout Run last Sept with Mrs. Puck - this is a 5K with a very intense obstacle course, 23 of them and grueling. I'm going to kick its ass.

Had some more setbacks, with an on again/off again affair I had with a teacher for 3 years that was revealed 2½ weeks after she had moved out. Needless to say, she is extremely angry and pissed off and I don't blame her. I did own it, made no excuses for it. No matter how shitty she may have treated me, which actually was a big factor to drink as much as I did, no matter what our relationship was like, the choice to betray her was mine and I could have as easily said no but I said yes instead. That one is on me no matter what. Alcohol and P**sy - my two worst enemies.

She pulled the boys out of school here, moved to her mom's 16 miles away and I barely see my boys these days because it takes almost an hour to go those 16 miles because of CA traffic. It's been a tough run for sure but this is what happens when you have skeletons in the closet and they all pop out at once.

Mrs. Puck is not home and doesn't look like she will be coming any time soon - but she has shown some cracks so I know there is hope - but I have to do this stuff for me anyway and hope for the best, expect the worst. I'm determined to put the pieces back together.

Hope you guys are doing good.

Stay strong Puck. Keep going to your meeting and especially church.

Just so I'm clear, part of the problem is that Mrs. Puck treated you like crap and that led to your drinking. If that is the case why would you want to get back together?

Otherwise stay strong, believe in yourself and do what you think needs to be done. Do it first and foremost for yourself and then everyone else.

Good luck.

I have never met you but always appreciated your input on these boards. Quoting the Batman movie here so forgive me; "The night is darkest just before the dawn". Do what you need to and you will come out stronger. My thoughts are with you.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Best wishes, man, and it really will all work out. I wanted to share some quotes with you because I think music is a great healer. Here are a few for you that helped me out and allowed me to reflect on things, and eventually grow as a person. These are only a few of many, and feel free to ignore them if they don't resonate, but I post these with good intentions. *As an aside, I don't always agree with the politics of bands I like.

1. Thumbing My Way - Pearl Jam

I have not been home since you left long ago
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven
Counting steps, walking backwards on the road
I'm counting my way back to heaven
I can't be free with what's locked inside of me
If there was a key, you took it in your hand
There's no wrong or right, but I'm sure there's good and bad
The questions linger overhead
No matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven
I wish that I could hold you
I wish that I had
Thinking 'bout heaven
I let go of a rope, thinking that's what held me back
And in time I've realized, it's now wrapped around my neck
I can't see what's next, from this lonely overpass
Hang my head and count my steps, as another car goes past
All the rusted signs we ignore throughout our lives
Choosing the shiny ones instead
I turned my back, now there's no turning back
No matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead
I smile, but who am I kidding?
I'm just walking the miles, every once in a while I'll get a ride
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven
Thumbing my way back to heaven
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven...

2. Only the Strong - Flaw (I'd recommend the acoustic version, but the metal is good too).

What makes you think that it'll all work out in the end?
Afraid to feel bad. Better off to try and pretend. I'm
immortal, immune to all that is wrong. Just keep on wishing.
Crossing my fingers, so long. Is this helping? I'm growing
weaker each day. Can't stop whining.
Still afraid of what I might say or reactions, that control us one and all.

It's mine, it's pure and as decent as I can make myself.
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive.

Why don't you think about that?
So now i'm bleeding on myself yes once again.
Seems I trusted another deceitful friend. My fault. I Should've known the deal.
keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, for real.
Seems easy, but nothing could be so hard. Trying to guess life's
dealing. What's the next card? I'm surely folding.
I don't like this hand at all.

It's mine, it's pure and as decent as I can make myself.
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive.

Keep those eyes wide open, here comes a blind side.

Maybe things happen for a reason and wherein lies the answer,
to overcome the grieving, of life's unruly lessons. I'm handed
in sucession. It builds my pain which makes me strong.

Why don't you think about that?

Thanks for the encouragement, some pretty profound lyrics there. I'm definitely getting better and better daily, did a moral and spiritual cleansing of sorts.

Looking back just 3 months ago, my moral compass was nowhere to be found. How that happened, I am still trying to figure out - was it life, something else, stress, what - but not acceptable regardless to myself. I consider myself a man of high moral character and this was completely out of line from me so it raised some serious internal questions.

Howdy - why would I want to go back you ask? Few reasons actually - first and foremost, I was taught and raised in a home that when a marriage is failing you don't toss it away, you work at it and fix it. I am not in support of divorce at all.

Secondly, my kids - I have 2 daughters from another ex as you know, and my oldest daughter has issues from the separation of her mother and I. Keep in mind this is well over 8 years ago, and she will be 11 on Monday 10/10 and has suffered; schooling, social anxiety, fear. I have/had a chance here to at least be there for my 2 boys and keep that part of the family together and screwed it up. I have to find a way to get this back together so my boys don't get screwed up. My oldest son is already out of whack and acting out from all this.

Lastly, because no matter what, I do love her and want to. All relationships have ups and downs and I know for certain I did not respond well as the years went by to what her needs and wants were. Having been apart now for 2 months, I can see a lot of the destructive and just crappy behavior I exhibited. I don't think I am alone, she had a role in this too, but she is just starting to get into herself and see what her issues are. Ideally I would like us to come back after some time, see how we have progressed and see if there's a chance but that is a ways away. All I can do is keep focusing on myself, which I have been doing.

And finally...I earned that red chip tonight at AA. Made it my first 30 days ever in my life where I was honestly sober - not a dry drunk - so I am going to celebrate tonight and have a bowl of Cookie Crisp and milk.

One more week until Kings hockey...